The term ‘male-dominated society’ does not mean (against common misconception) the subjugation of women to physical violence or having biases towards them. However, to say that it is nothing will also be a gross understatement. The term basically means an opportunity to attest and exhibit supremacy, in any form. Even a demeaning nod at the idea of an achievement by the opposite gender is as derogatory as the worst form of it may be. One doesn’t have to advocate ‘feminism’ or ‘masculinity’ to believe in gender equality – this only gives birth to more sexism. Sexism, like racism, should not be tolerated in society and be chastised. It is a typical patriarchal mentality of a backward feudal society dominated by the thoughts of old dogmas. Even in the Western world, where women are playing a role towards the development of their nations alongside men, especially in the field of science, technology and literature, this menace prevails. The dilemma prone to our part of the world is that the benighted class, having sheer confidence in their ignorance, would bandwagon this issue on the basis of religion. And that too on the basis of Islam – which is perhaps the only religion that accords the utmost respect for the opposite gender. Religion does not always seek logic, but if someone remains adamant, here’s one for them. I shall restrict myself to the divine examples from Islam’s glorious history. One of the women during the Holy Prophet’s (pbuh) time, Hazrat Nusaybah bint Ka’ab (RA), also known as Umm-e-Umara, not only took an active part in many battles but defended the Prophet (pbuh) and struck fatal blows to the opponents with her sword and arrows in the battle of Uhud, when many archers had left the crucial and tactical position. Umm-e-Umara, whom the Prophet (pbuh) observed to be a better fighter than many men, was fierce in the battles and even lost one of her hands. Hazrat Fatima (RA), the Prophet’s (pbuh) daughter, in the battle of Khyber, ticketed many non-believers to hell with a mere tent pole. Clearly, women are more than capable of doing anything they set their minds to. I’ve been getting a lot of comments recently, one of which read,

“Why would our Air Force even hand over a multi-million dollar fighter jet to a girl, huh?”

On March 13, 2014 a girl from Muzaffargarh set herself on fire outside the local police station when justice was not served to her. This innocent girl was allegedly gang raped by five rapists, who were granted bail by the police. People just stood there, watching her burn alive – as if she was giving a circus performance and our efficient media covered the incident from every angle possible to make sure it sold like hot-cakes on TV. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1gv70s_muzaffargarh-gang-rape-victim-dies-after-self-immolation-bid_news?search_algo=2[/embed] The mother threw sand on her daughter in an attempt to save her. And finally one policeman, among the dozens who were watching, remembered his duty and started helping the mother douse the fire. Unfortunately, the girl succumbed to her burns and passed away on March 14, 2014. Rape is defined as any form of sexual behaviour forced upon another person but this definition is not complete. Rape includes sexual violence, harassment, verbal abuse, leering and threats. It is an act performed by people who use power to fulfil their lust. The effects of rape on a victim are both physical and psychological and can lead to lifelong trauma, if neglected. Physical wounds can still heal but psychological effects stay with the victim for a long time. The victim may suffer from shock, depression, self-blame, loss of appetite, personality disorder, fear, a feeling of powerlessness and flashbacks. Sometimes the trauma is so severe that it can eventually lead to suicide. In Pakistan, the situation is often even worse. If a woman is raped and she reports the incident, she is considered shameless, unworthy and the society shuns her. No one wants to marry her because she is no longer ‘pure’. This is why most rape cases are not registered. Some women stay silent to avoid the stigma and rejection while others choose to end their lives. Unfortunately, our society turns the victim into a culprit. Pakistan is considered an Islamic state that follows Shariah, based on the Holy Quran and Sunnah. Being an Islamic state, it is supposed to have a peaceful and just system whereby every human being, regardless of their gender or status, is treated equally. Keeping this definition in mind, the Hudood Ordinance itself is a form of injustice and against Islamic principles. According to this ordinance, four adult Muslim men are required as witnesses before a rapist can be convicted. If we use common sense, we would realise that the victim herself can never produce four witnesses. If that were the case, wouldn’t the witnesses have stopped the rape from happening in the first place? According to Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, if a person makes an allegation of rape against another person (male or female), he or she must produce four witnesses to support such an allegation; otherwise, he or she is guilty of slandering which is a grave offense in Islam that requires its followers to avoid tarnishing the honour of others. Unfortunately, many rape victims have been blamed for adultery due to this ordinance instead of being treated as victims, simply because they were unable to produce any witnesses. The Council of Islamic Ideology (CII) has been actively involved in making Pakistan an Islamic state with their unending support of the Shariah law. Recently, they proposed that the husband need not ask permission from his wife before getting married again, since he is allowed (by Islam) to have four wives. I wonder if the CII understands that there are other societal issues which require strict laws to be implemented, rather than creating a nonsensical issue over asking permission. It baffles me that our leaders fail to protect a woman’s honour and sit by quietly while mothers, daughters, sisters and wives are raped on a daily basis. Where does their Islamic ideology go then? Yes, Pakistan is an Islamic state. But only in name. It is ruled by people who implement laws based on religion only to satisfy themselves and for their own personal gains. This is not Islam; this is playing god. Muzaffargarh was just one incident. There have been more and, sadly, there will be more because our laws have given these rapists a license to rape. Our laws allow hideous men to commit evil acts on women who are helpless and have no rights. These men are then allowed to run scot-free so that they can boast about their ‘manliness’. I ask the leaders of Pakistan and the CII, is Pakistan really an Islamic state? Are the laws of the country based on Islamic teachings? Is this what justice is? Will justice ever be served to the victims? Unfortunately, given the sad state of affairs, we already know the answers to these questions. No, Pakistan is not an Islamic state; if it was, no innocent life would be taken due to injustice. No, our laws are not based on the Quran and Sunnah. If they were, we would have a peaceful society where each and every one of us felt safe. No, this is not justice because if it was, no one would dare to commit such heinous crimes again. And no, justice will never be served because our leaders are blinded by power and lust. Laws in Pakistan are man-made and have little or no essence of Islam in them. And until something is done, things are likely to remain the same. Our women will keep on suffering and our leaders will keep on sitting on their thrones, making only those adjustments which are beneficial to them. Pakistan will continue to be raped every day and we will continue losing innocent lives to injustice.

A friend of mine shared a clip on Facebook of a journalist asking Shahid Afridi his views on the development of a girls’ cricket camp in Peshawar (something the journalist said he felt proud of) and Afridi replied that Pathan girls are best at cooking food and should stick to that. This statement did not come as a shock to me. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g30h4_shahid-afridi-view-about-women-s-cricket-team_news#from=embediframe[/embed] Other than being aware of Afridi’s record of having passed ludicrous remarks about us, Indian Hindus, not being large-hearted enough, which was slammed by many rational Pakistanis, it reminded me of a scene from the Bollywood movie Chak de India starring Shahrukh Khan. It showed officials from India’s hockey federation talking of the quintessential Bhartiya nari (Indian woman) being fit to cook but not being fit to compete in sports tournaments at the international level. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18mpob_theatrical-trailer-chak-de-india_creation[/embed] Other movies portraying similar challenges a girl has to face in an Indian social framework are Dil Bole Hadippa and Bend It Like Beckham, in the context of cricket and football respectively. And indeed, these movies mirror the social reality, not only in India but other countries in South Asia too, and to an extent, across the globe. Male chauvinism bases itself primarily on the assumption that physical exertion (even if not mental exertion) is something beyond women; hence, the strong aversion to women’s sports, as though women are not entitled to the sort of exercise and recreation they may desire. And it is this male chauvinism that makes men think that crimes against women are justified. As psychologist Chris Kilmartin points out,

“The worst thing we say to a boy in sports is that he throws ‘like a girl’. We teach boys to disrespect the feminine and disrespect women. That’s the cultural undercurrent of rape.”

“Ladies playing cricket is like a man trying to knit.”

“It would be much better if she and her ilk stayed at home, got themselves prettied up and waited for the phone to ring.”

“Yeah, dolls!”

“Women, like me, who are athletic and who like to wear mascara off the playing field, are just that; women who like sports among a whole host of other passions. I also like reading and writing and cooking and looking after my kids.”

“As a beginner, I felt under-confident at times. I was constantly doubting my place in the team and questioning, if I was able to play up to their expectations. But they had always been motivating and encouraging. ‘Do you play as well as men?’ ‘Doesn’t playing cricket make you look masculine?’ These are some of the most frequently asked questions that I encounter, when I tell people I am a female cricketer. They seem pretty amazed at the idea of ‘female cricketers’ and their level of amazement is doubled when they realise that I don’t adorn the ‘tomboy’ look that majority of female athletes do. A major misinterpretation people hold about female cricketers is that they lose their feminine charm. I usually get that as well, as to how can I carry my ‘girly’ looks and play cricket at the same time? To which, I have no answers. I reckon it’s all about how one carries oneself. On a lighter note, female cricketers can be good-looking too.”

“The relationship between gender equality and sport is not solely about achieving equality in women’s participation and treatment within sports, but it is also about promoting ‘sport for gender equality’, or harnessing the potential of sport for social empowerment of women and girls.”

“Bicycling has done more to emancipate women than any one thing in the world.”

In countries like Pakistan, army officers are treated with a special kind of respect and having a fauji (soldier) friend is considered to be an honour. I am sure many people know what it feels like to have a friend who is either a Gentleman Cadet (GC) or a ‘leftanent’ as a lieutenant is usually called. It’s a feeling that cannot be explained in words. However, in my case, the ratio of fauji friends is quite high since I have grown up in the company of many ‘army boys’. Hence, in recognition of my fauji friends and their efforts, I decided to write something about their exhausting and somewhat peculiar, lifestyles – which they seem to enjoy so zealously. So, here is a list of things which may seem normal to an army officer but are quite strange to most civilians.  Faujis on social media  Although social media is setting a trend in every sphere of life, our army boys have found news ways of using Facebook. Statuses, comments and wall posts are mostly done in a typical fauji style. ‘Fauji style’, you wonder? The following examples might help you get a better idea: The phrase ‘buck up’ is used religiously. Whether it’s an engagement announcement, a sad status or a family picture, you will definitely see a ‘buck up’ comment if you have a fauji in your friends list. Also, faujis love putting up Queen Elizabeth’s quotes as their cover photos, like,

“If an army officer loves you, walk like a queen.”

“This flower is not a flower.”

“It’s a disgrace to the community of flowers!” “Kill this flower!”

Imagine a scene from a typical Pakistani drama. On one side, we have a shareef (innocent) damsel in distress and a prince charming, who is too busy admiring his good looks to actually use his brains for intellectual purposes. And on the other is the mandatory villain – usually a conniving, evil best friend – who tries her best to create barriers between the couple with hopes that the guy would pick her over the damsel. Since we are all too familiar with the damsel’s fluttering eyelashes and the prince’s flirtatious smiles, let’s focus our attention towards the villain for once. As opposed to our shy, ghareloo (homely) damsel, our villain is a modern, bold, jeans-clad fashion diva who drives her own car, prefers to have a career and is not afraid to ask for her rights, instead of offering herself as a sacrificial goat. Here I feel the need to address the reverse bias that exists in our society today – girls in shalwar kameez are deemed acceptable while girls wearing western wear are automatically termed ‘fast’ and of questionable moral character. Why? Why is a girl who speaks fluent English, chooses to work and is more comfortable wearing western clothing, termed as being too forward? Why is it considered okay not to give her the same level of respect that one would give a girl dressed in shalwar kameez? Why is it automatically assumed that such girls will not make good wives and mothers and are only ‘girlfriend material’ or aren’t the ‘take- home- to- your- mother’ type? Personally, I blame our media and in particular, our over-glamorised, quality-starved dramas for the propagation of such a biased image of women. Instead of acknowledging working women for their efforts to break conventional barriers, they brand them as evil, manipulative home-wreckers. Even if the protagonist is sporadically portrayed as working in an office, it is always out of need where some evil cousin has forced her into it by taking over her estate after the tragic death of her parents or because her ‘no-good husband’ cannot find a stable job to provide for the family. But the woes of our ‘oh-so-distressed’ protagonist do not end here. Out in the corporate jungle, she is exposed to all kind of monsters who have nothing better to do than make passes at her all day because well, they didn’t take this job to actually work; they took the job to find a shareef gullible girl whom they could harass. My question is why can’t a woman, for once, be shown to be working out of personal preference rather than unfortunate circumstances? Why is her ambition always held against her while she is branded as a bad wife or mother for choosing a career? What kind of message is our media trying to give to our susceptible audience? Are they trying to say that women who choose to work outside the home do so because there is something fundamentally wrong with their brain function? After all, personal achievement, a sense of satisfaction and financial independence are all motivational factors reserved solely for men. Women, on the other hand, are shown to be more than happy in simply finding a husband, having children and making perfectly round rotis. And this, ladies and gentlemen, brings me to another point – the modern woman hates children! They hate the thought of starting a family or God forbid, living in a joint family system because of course, in place of their heart they have an ice cold block of nothing, pumping some black liquid into their veins. Unfortunately, the media war for viewership and ratings has little or no regard for the immoral values it can inoculate into the minds of our society, which is subliminally and subconsciously being lured into a world of artificiality, glamour and a disparity of the belief system. I detest the surprised looks people give me when I excuse myself for namaz (prayers) and the way they roll their eyes at me when I tell them that I don’t want to rush into marriage because I want to figure out what I will do with my life first. Because hey, which girl wouldn’t want a rishta (proposal) from a green-card bearing, dollar-earning, corporate junkie, right? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that women who stay home, prefer to look after their family and dress in traditional clothing are in any way inferior to women who work outside the home. I just wish that our media would act more responsibly and portray the latter in a more positive light. While everyone was busy drooling over the damsel and prince charming in Humsafar, I felt extremely sorry for the evil best friend whose entire life revolved around the prince, who offered him her unconditional support in both, his professional and personal life. But unfortunately, she was still no match for our sharmeeli (shy) damsel in distress. Sorry girl, but maybe if you had traded in your jeans for some chooridars and your career for a roti ka baylan (rolling pin), he might have given you a second look!

I should make it clear from the beginning that this unhealthy obsession with weight is not limited to Pakistani women but is the universal truth for women everywhere.  We are either too thin or too fat, with most of us being the latter. In Pakistan, a woman’s elegance, grace, beauty or self-worth is all linked to her weight and other women, mostly, deem a skinny female to be successful.  I noticed this on a recent trip to Pakistan. After meeting relatives whom I hadn’t seen for a long time, the first thing they commented on was my weight, which had become quite rotund. It didn’t occur to them that maybe they could ask me about my studies or my career but instead they decided to focus on my physical appearance. If I lost too much weight then comments would fly around me being ‘kamzor’ (weak) and dieting too much. There’s just no way out of this! Such rude remarks weren’t limited to relatives but to beauty parlour assistants as well. However, they were kind enough to label me ‘healthy’ instead of fat. I, however, have absolutely no qualms about my weight. I love the curvy, healthy look that celebrities like Beyonce or Kim Kardashian espouse. There is far too much pressure placed on girls of a younger generation to be thin and look a certain way. A close friend’s daughter was taunted so much about her weight that she became alarmingly thin and had to be hospitalised. She reduced her food portions so drastically that her weight plummeted and the encouragement from her friends to continue exacerbated the problem. This is just one example I know of.  I have heard of countless more. Anorexia nervosa is a mental health disorder affecting on average 1 in 1000 people. It is a disorder which is scarcely discussed in Pakistan but one with very real consequences. Subjects usually limit their food intake so severely that their weight drops below the normal range, and if the weight isn’t stabilised or increased, it can result in death. Although anorexia statistics in Pakistan are not well known, I am absolutely certain that peer pressure, expectations of how women should look and the media plays a very potent role in keeping young girls enslaved to the concept of thin equals beautiful. This is a dangerous mind-set and one which needs to change. Instead of trying to focus on our outward appearance, we should concentrate on how to become better human beings first. Women should focus on excelling in education and become individuals who have something positive to contribute to the society rather than becoming stick figures and revelling in this new found glory. Indeed, weight loss is a very morale-boosting event, but it should not consume our lives or reach a stage where it becomes unhealthy. There is more to life than calories and kilograms!

As Mr A was casually buying himself some coffee and a large packet of spicy Lays chips outside the cinema, when a wide-eyed friend exclaimed looking at him, “Oh my God, your husband is here to watch ‘Shaadi ke side effects’, poor thing!” The cinema barely had any male species present. It was, however, outrageously packed with caramel-popcorn-munching females. Clearly the movie was going to be fun. “Hmmm… now he will know the true side effects, flashed before him, and what we women have to go through after marriage.” I cloyingly thought to myself as we settled down in the wide red seats. Throughout the movie, Mr A was laughing hysterically while I squirmed in my seat, waiting for the real side effects, the ones I had imagined the movie would be showing, to be depicted. Two hours later, he walked out beaming while I scuffled behind him like a defeated horse (or cow). It was all about how married men have to endure so much throughout their marriage – sleepless nights, baby poo, a wife who took nine months to turn into a cow, how he is starved for peaceful blips and entertaining moments, and how he is eventually forced to take measures that make up for those long lost bachelor life opportunities. This ends up shaking their trust. At the expense of starting a women’s liberal movement, I will contain myself and not elaborate on the innumerable changes that a cow, ermm... I mean a woman, has to endure once married. However, what I will say is that Vidya Balan, despite her usual drab dress sense, always rocks. With a beautiful face and a lovely smile, she has proven once again that you don’t need to be a size zero to make the male audience drool over you, make the women envious of you, engage the audience and become a star! Since we are talking about breaking the size zero mould, here is something that might help you indulge in some Nutella comfort and minimise those awful side effects. One word to describe this little moon-shaped heaven is – deliciousness maximus (oops that’s two words)! A No-Bake Nutella Cheesecake comes with a crunchy Oreo base, housing the creamiest marriage between Nutella and cream cheese. And the final oomph, of course, is the engagement between Nutella spread on top with a nutty scatter of chopped hazelnuts. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="596"] Photo: Saadia Tariq[/caption] So here is the recipe: Ingredients (generously serves a couple): Oreo biscuits - 6 Butter - 1 tbsp Cream cheese - 4 oz. (110 g) Nutella - ⅓ cup (slightly warm) Frosting: Nutella - 1 tbsp Chopped hazelnuts - 2 tbsp Method: 1) Put Oreo cookies in a zip-lock bag and hammer them with a rolling pin to crush them. Be careful and try not to take your anger out on them. 2) Tip the crushed biscuits in a bowl and mix with the melted butter. Pour the mixture into a small pie tin and press it down, making sure it is firmly in place. Put it in the refrigerator to chill. I used a small pie tin but you can use individual ramekins/glasses as well. 3) Beat cream cheese and Nutella in a bowl until smooth. Again, there’s no need to go crazy beating the heavenly mixture. 4) Pour the Nutella mixture on top of the Oreo base and keep it in the refrigerator for a minimum of two hours for it to set. Leaving it overnight in the refrigerator is the best option. But in case you have guests coming over soon, two hours will suffice. 5) For the frosting, spread some Nutella on top and garnish it with chopped hazelnuts. If you are in the mood for some extra indulgence, whipped cream is always a winner. So there you have it – the no hassle, no bake heavenly Nutella cheese cake. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="595"] Photo: Saadia Tariq[/caption] For those trying to fit into a size zero, go ahead and taste it. I can’t say much about the side effects but the initial effects are blissful. And while we are at it, looking at Farhan Akhtar has its own yummy effects! [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="596"] Photo: Saadia Tariq[/caption] For those who just can’t get enough of the Nutella bliss, try the light and airy coffee infused Nutella Mousse. It’s not low on fat, but it’s definitely high on comfort! This post originally appeared here. 

It’s an age old story that women are the main victims of abuse. Over the years, many NGOs, awareness projects and feminist activists have forced laws to be passed against female victimisation. We have all blamed men for abuse, who are seemingly the dominant sex and similarly, many steps have been taken to make women realise that it is the men who are at fault. So, why then are women still subjected to abuse, even though they are aware of their rights and are more liberated than before? Why are they not raising their voices against domestic abuse? And also, are men really the main cause of abuse? These questions need to be carefully deliberated upon. If you turn on the television, you would see dramas depicting domestic abuse on different channels. This is because the producers of such shows know that most Pakistani women – regardless of their class backgrounds – would relate best to such situations. There are many reasons why abuse is still prevalent in Pakistan. These reasons range from the wicked whisperings of ammi jaan and her bickering, to the husband’s own misplaced anger and frustration. However, the root cause of abuse, albeit any kind, is just one. Women, from a very early age, are socialised with the idea that being hit by a man, or being abused at home, is a natural ordeal that they have to go through, no matter what. This idea is ingrained in them. Hence, most women do not cry out in protest to this victimisation. They think it’s normal to get beaten up by their husbands or be mistreated by other people in the household. Perhaps this is also the reason why our media does not create much hue about it – the cause is so subliminal in nature that many people miss it. You don’t agree with my assessment? Well, here are a few examples for you to understand my view better. While a child stands in the corner and watches her parents fight, she unconsciously learns about the powers spouses have over one another. When her father strikes the mother, slaps her right across the face and stomps out of the room, the child understands who has the upper hand. The next day, the parents seem to have resolved their problems and hence are back to acting like a normal couple. However, just because they are acting normal now, it will not undo the effects on the little girl’s mind from the previous night. In fact, it only reiterates her observation – that your husband hitting you is a forgivable act, as long as you can normalise things again and revert back to being a ‘happy’ family. Now imagine, for instance, that a son is born in the same family. He grows up and enters his childhood phase. One day, when he breaks a window in the house while playing cricket, his mother scolds him and says in reprimand,

“Bus Baba koh aanay dou. Unko bataoun gi aur phir dekhna woh kya karain gay”  (Just wait till your dad comes home. I’ll tell him and then you see what he does with you.)

“No beta, it’s not Baba’s fault; I did something wrong.”

We all know for a fact that middle-aged aunties are on the lookout for prospective wives for their sons and nephews, during the wedding season. What is surprising though is that young ladies love being the centre of attention and enjoy all the looks of admiration showered on them. And let’s be honest, what better place is there to plan the conception of your own wedding than the venue of someone else’s wedding? However, there are rules that need to be taken into consideration if you wish to actively participate in the South-Asian game of ‘match-making’. Even if you intend to avoid the game altogether, it is important that you at least understand the rules. 1. Don’t look fat – at all This is the time to bring out all the corsets, shape-wear, Spanx (or whatever you call them), hidden safely in your wardrobe. That little paunch may not hold much significance in day-to-day life but it can completely wipe out your game progress (if any). ‘Rishta aunties’ (matchmaking aunties) can catch the signs of a potential ‘jelly belly’ from miles away. Needless to say, a few extra pounds can kill the deal here. 2. The perfect heels You need to find that perfect pair of stilettos. Never go for shoes that are nice and comfortable because you’re always going to be a little ‘too short’ for their sons. While tottering in uncomfortable shoes, remember ‘no pain, no gain’. 3. Do you know how to cook? This is the age-old but very, very important question when it comes to mothers looking for wives for their spoon-fed sons. And the answer is always a very confident ‘Yes!’ They don’t need to know that your greatest culinary achievement is munching on extra-cheese pizza without looking like an idiot… at least not yet. In short, cooking skills and even just the claim of having them can turn rishta aunties on – (now now, don’t let your mind veer off in the wrong direction). 4. Small talk We all know that small talk is the key to success in life. Whether you’re looking for a job or looking for a guy, this skill can take you places. Learn to conceal your disinterest and indifference and chat with the aunties about their pets, stoves, servants, furniture and every other petty thing that they hold dear. Trust me, they love that kind of attention. 5. Walk the walk and talk the talk Do you want to be the trophy wife? Well, you better act like one too. Watch the movie Pretty Woman countless times and rehearse your steps. Your posture should be straight and elegant and you should be able to walk like the ghost of a British aristocrat descending gracefully down the stairs of Buckingham Palace. Now is the time to put that fake accent to good use too. 6. Smile away Trust me when I say that a smile is a lifesaver. It can rescue you from the toughest of situations. Whenever you just don’t know what to do or when you lose track of a never-ending and dull conversation, go ahead and show off those pearly whites until your jaw starts aching. Remember what I said before? ‘No pain, no gain’. Of course, you have to be convincing enough to prove that you’re probably the nicest, sweetest and politest young woman these aunties have ever come across. It’s a tough competition ladies so, fight like a man. 7. Don’t let your appetite get in the way Yes, I know you’re probably terribly hungry and exhausted after all that talking, smiling and mindless nodding but this is the time you’ll need your will power and self-control the most to fight the war against hunger. Eating an entire horse or drinking to your heart’s content are simply out of the question because some aunty out there is watching you, judging you, ridiculing you and maybe even striking you off the list. So, just sit tight and keep your hands tightly clasped (to keep them from reaching out for that freshly fried samosa and that enticing slice of cheesecake). Don’t worry, the fridge is all yours once the guests leave. So, please feel free to consult this ‘instruction manual’ before attending a wedding where you’re most likely to bump into a considerable number of eligible bachelors and their ‘oh-so-scrutinising’  mothers. And remember, realistic acting is not an easy art to master. Therefore, rehearse your fake rishta moves and be well-prepared. Practice will make you perfect; who knows you may even get a chance to go to drama school next year! Having said all that, if you’re one of the very few who wish to be disqualified from the ultimate game of ‘matchmaking’ and those who find this rat race to be absolutely ridiculous as I do, there’s only one tip I have – be real and imperfect. Be yourself. Eat like a man, look like a woman and revel in your moments of sheer awkwardness because that’s who you are. Let’s face it, cooking is not your thing and you probably need to lose a bit of weight too!

I have a mirror in my hands. Mirror mirror, what do you see?

“I see a girl, a black girl, with beautiful eyes… beautiful eyes over gaunt cheeks. Cheeks caved in over thin, crisp lips and a levee against the pointed chin. I see a face festooned by gold; hard earned 18 carats of flimsy artwork. A ritual slaughter of a loved one.”

“I see a void in the girl. I see uncertain gestures hiding in her smile. I see an ominous pout and a stoic sarcasm in her gentle nods. She knows what to appreciate. She has a keen eye for beauty. And today is a day when she has to be sublime… over every other face and every other shine. But her shine has dimmed, she has concerns. She searches in her image, a hope, a salve. Something trivial, something only she has, something to be proud of. She twists her neck and spins her head. But under the arches of gold and the opulent enfolds of her bridal dress, she finds nothing.”

“While man inherits the earth, you inherit the fear. Fear of man. Fear of love. Fear of hate. Fear of lust. You have fears of every sort. And you have fought with each one. Some battles you have won and some lost. Your valour has grown in stature and form. Your strength has no face and your courage follows no norm. Your battle-cry has no sound. With your head down, you carry injustice upon your wrists and you bring it down like a pampered child. And you feed the black hole of prejudice with pardon.”

“Remember the scars now buried under a white cosmos? Just beside your nose ring? Whose knuckle was it? Look beyond the gloss of your lips at the bitten ruptures of affection. Whose love was it? Over your right eye, a little mound now healed, left by someone’s disappointment. Whose trust was it? Behind the curtains of gold, under the glitter of your prized possession, someone’s cold hand had left some warm marks. Whose passion was it? Under your skin, under your bones, suspended in your blood, ornaments of life, broken, re-broken, healed and then broken again. Such cruel masonry and yet, you forget. Don’t cry now… be still. You have lived through hatred with your head held high. Now vie for love from the fickle fate. Marry, you must. You once had a life of your own when you dreamt. Dreams, selfish dreams, severed from the world. Time knocks at the door, arms full with social roles. Don’t lose heart. Soon you will forget this day. This pain shall find a way, to be far away. And you will have hopes to relive this life with more power and control. A bit older, a bit wiser and a little bit surprised with children in your wings and a braced heart, you will fly off. But now, turn around and see that door. Behind the door, your mother is waiting. Your brother is waiting. Your father is waiting. Your groom is waiting. Don’t ask me more questions. You are beautiful. You will be loved. Even if it be for a day, you will be loved.”

Almost two and a half billion people in the world do not have toilets in their homes or lack access to proper sanitation facilities. South Asia makes a significant contribution to these staggering numbers – 65% in India, 53% in Pakistan and 45% in Bangladesh. Not only does this result in adverse health-related problems, like malnutrition and diarrhoea, it also severely affects the economy. On an average, countries in South Asia lose 6% of their Gross Domestic Product (GDP) because of poor sanitation. Though many people in the region consider this lack of proper washrooms a major problem, it is not the health-related issues that worry them. For them, this is a crisis because it compromises their convenience, privacy, safety and social prestige; this is especially true for women and children who are disproportionately affected. In areas where public defecation is the norm, women have to wait till after sunset or before sunrise to go out into the fields for such needs. This means that they often need to limit their food and water intake during the day, causing innumerable health problems alongside physical and psychological distress. The problem is further exacerbated for menstruating and pregnant women. Public defecation also puts women at a risk of harassment, molestation and rape. I met a woman in a slum area who had taken a loan for building a toilet in her house. Considering that several generations of her family had defecated in the open, I was curious to find out what had driven her to impose such an onerous financial burden on herself for constructing a facility that her family had lived without for years. Her answer was simple,

“No girl from the community wants to marry my son because I don’t have a toilet in my house”.

Sheryl Sandberg, author of Lean In and the Chief Operating Officer (COO) of Facebook is on a mission. A couple of weeks ago, she, in collaboration with a star line-up of women in other leadership roles launched the ‘Ban Bossy’ (#BanBossy) campaign. They argue on their website that,

“When a little boy asserts himself, he’s called a ‘leader’. Yet, when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded ‘bossy’. Words like bossy send a message: don’t raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys – a trend that continues into adulthood. Together we can encourage girls to lead”.

 “What’s missing from the #BanBossy conversation is a more nuanced, rational discussion about the nature of leadership itself. For one, not all strong woman leaders are bossy, and not all bossy women (or men!) are leaders”.

“I come from a background where women don’t actually work. They are expected to get married and have children. I was lucky enough that my father thought differently, had a different mind-set and encouraged us to pursue our careers. I think family support is really key”.

“My husband has been extremely supportive and has helped me in attaining my goals. When a good job offer came, he was willing to move with me. I think the mutual understanding that my work is important is what helped me”.

“My boss, in my last job, really saw potential in me and gave me a lot of opportunity and exposure; pushing me in situations where I was challenged… he really gave me the wings to fly, encouraged and supported me at every step.”

“I have always felt the need to perform and live up to my expectations. Even though no one has asked me to, I feel the need to prove myself. I have progressed really fast in this company and so I feel that I need to show everyone that I work hard to deserve it. Sometimes my boss tells me I have to unplug, that I need a hobby but I just can’t seem to do it. He would get mad at me for working so much from home and sending emails out at night. I now schedule my mails to deliver at 9am so that they don’t know I’m working at 1am”.

“There will always be stereotypes with women, no matter what they do. I think it is important that overtime you conduct yourself the way you want to be treated and so you are responsible for how people see you. You have to define your own imprint on the organisation”.

“Being a woman in this organisation is tough. I had to prove myself, I went to the factories and stood in the heat watching the product on the assembly line. A lot of people thought I would not be able to do it because I am a female, that I would prefer some desk job but I had to show them that anything a man can do I can do as well. Yes, it’s not easy for every female to do that because there are cultural taboos and stereotypes that a woman is not going to travel to the corners of the city to the factory site every day, but I had to show people that I was the exception”.

On my recent trip to Balochistan, I came across examples of how women folk fare in tribal set-ups. While we, in the urban centres, believe that women are usually ignored and not allowed to contribute to society in tribal arrangements, the Baloch tradition has a very unique way of putting their women to good use. Tribal feuds and enmities usually span over generations. So when all else fails, the hidden asset – the women – is consumed. The women of the tribe seeking to reconcile are sent to the other tribe. These women then beg for forgiveness for the men folk of their tribe to prevent further bloodshed. This practice is called Gudh and is very Baloch in essence. It also goes to show that women are held in honour by Baloch tribes and so their requests can never be declined. You might shake your head in disapproval over this tradition but whichever way you look at it, there is no denying that women folk possess a strategic value for the well-being of Baloch families, tribes and, eventually, for the society. Present times have greatly contributed to the hardships of the tribes. Tough climatic conditions, poverty and governments’ ignorance has made life nothing but a hardship. Insurgency in the province has given rise to an excruciating situation where women and children suffer the most. Similarly, figures that aid agencies present aren’t encouraging at all. United Nation’s (UN) World Food Program (WFP) describes 16.2% children as malnourished in Pakistan – this is beyond the 10% emergency mark. The situation is very serious for Balochistan, as it has the highest rate of undernourishment and being the largest province in Pakistan its children are suffering the most because they never have enough to eat. Corruption in government departments remains rampant and whatever money is left goes into heavy administrative costs, comprising largely of salaries. There is not much that we see being done for the people they govern. Where tribesmen use Gudh to ‘utilise’ women, aid agencies realise the importance of mobilising women of the far flung areas, if any improvement in social conditions is to be brought about. That’s why there is a strong gender component in UN projects under WFP. Food and Agriculture Organisation (FAO) ensures 40% female participation in its work to improve livelihoods. To work with womenfolk in the communities, female aid workers are hard to find. The very few that are willing, risk everything they have when they go and interact with communities in the field. This includes their reputation. Zari’s* eyes were shining with hope and determination when I spoke with her. She recalled the beginning of her career years ago when she had just completed 10^th standard at a girls’ school in Quetta. She felt that female aid workers are looked down upon, even today, as wayward and of not a good character, especially when the message these workers convey hover around encouraging women to contribute to household incomes and eventually develop a voice of their own. This makes the males insecure. But as they say, economics change social attitudes; some headway has been made. With bravery and determination, female aid workers like Zari have been able to win the trust of the traditionalist villagers. Men folk, who earlier would not let these women enter their villages, have begun to trust them when they see that their children now have more to eat as a result of extra income that their wives or sisters bring in. That’s not all; the husband also consults his wife when he plans a marriage of their daughter, hence proving that women are more respected than what is presumed. For Zari, this is not just a source of professional satisfaction. These changing attitudes bring her personal happiness. The smile on the beautiful faces of the people and communities she works with is priceless. However, some challenges still remain when working with Baloch and Pashtun tribes. A general lack of awareness in the rural population is a big factor. Female aid workers, working on health issues, are of the view that change begins slowly and gradually and, hence requires time but being women it’s easier for them to interact with tribal families and try to solve their problems. Some trust is won when men see their children healthier than before as a result of consultation from female heath workers. This, however, does not mean that there aren’t any boundaries. Female aid workers still cannot work on family planning and reproductive health issues as a project activity. It was interesting that there seemed to be a fair realisation that these taboo topics are really crucial because if the size of the family cannot be controlled, prosperity becomes hard to ensure. The government needs to learn from these aid agencies. Take notice of the picture the aid workers paint of the people that need attention so that they do not feel alienated from the rest of the country. The job of the government is not just to provide jobs; the well-being of the people is its primary responsibility and while they undertake this responsibility, they shouldn’t forget the role Baloch women can play in society’s progress. *Names have been changed to protect identities

It might be odd for many but a guy like me has also gotten frandship calls over the years. Partly because my voice didn’t break for the longest time and the pervert on the other end didn’t believe that he was, in fact, talking to a guy. Similarly, I had to pretend to be my sister when the pizza delivery guy called confirming the address.

Pizza guy: Aap Mr Ali kay ghar say baat kar rahi hain? Me: Jee, main Ali ki behen hoon.

“Parna nahin aata? Phone uthao!” (Don’t you know how to read? Pick up the call!) “Kahin mausam ki tarah, tum bhi na badal jao.” (Don’t change your feelings for me, like the weather.) “I hav seen u in Zabist, u r v v pretty”

“I think we will be friends forever. Because... we are too lazy to find new ones.”

Dear Mr Clooney,  To most of us, Amal Alamuddin was just another name – she could be a friend, a neighbour or another acquaintance. But what we really didn’t know was that this name would one day be linked to you. We would have never guessed that you of all people, the fantastic silver fox of Hollywood, would tie the knot and that too overnight! She is engaged to you, the ‘world’s sexiest man’ and one of the most sought-after bachelors. I hope your ego has taken a huge boost while you read this. She has set the standard so high that if we had to let go of generations of infatuation, we would be glad that we’ve lost you to her. Because we approve! https://twitter.com/timesletters/status/461414500848369664 You need to know that Ms Alamuddin has made the entire Muslim community, which is usually under fire for some reason or the other, proud. And not just the Muslim community but even the world’s working female populace. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a woman to work and then come home just in time to set food on the table? And are we thanked for it? No. But ultimately this is the price we have to pay. We, women, juggle priorities for most of our lives and for women who make their careers their first priority, you have made this sacrifice worth it. I think women today can’t decide whether to be jealous of Ms Alamuddin or Ms Alamuddin’s curriculum vitae (CV).  You are betrothed to a woman who has not only advised Kofi Annan, former secretary-general of the United Nations (UN) and who acts now as a joint special envoy of the UN and Arab League on Syria (huge deal by the way) but also represented the controversial Wikileaks founder and king of the free media movement, Julian Assange. I mean how many women can come home and when asked about their day say,

“Nothing much, I just represented Ukraine’s former prime minister.”

“Yeah, the day was okay. I am now heading the committee that is investigating an assassination, no big deal.”

• Lose weight - size zero is the new size two.
• Learn how to cook (and cook well!)
• Wear a dupatta at all times (and properly!)
• Marriage comes first; study later (if you really, really have to).

Here is a question for all the women out there – what is more heart-warming, being called a Chikni Chameli (sexy woman) or an Atom Bomb (bombshell)? Baffled? I am not surprised… Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy upbeat Bollywood music as much as the next person. Any wedding seems mute and dull without it. However, there should be a line drawn somewhere, don’t you think? [embed width="620"]http://vimeo.com/57519362[/embed] How long can we let this spicy (and derogatory) lyricism go on? In every single Bollywood movie we watch, we see girls dancing vivaciously to something that they ridiculously believe to be an ode to their beauty while reality is much plainer and unfortunately, filthier. And regrettably, this practice has become more frequent in recent years. All these songs that we hear and play in our cars, houses and dance to at weddings, contain these words that objectify us under the veil of perky entertainment. Who is to blame for this? As much as we point fingers at the singers or listeners, I hold the women themselves responsible. After all, we live in a world of moderation, liberalism and equality where every now and then, feminism rears its head and women of this ‘modern’ society speak up for equal treatment from the opposite sex. So, where is this demand for equality when it comes to such blatant albeit, musical humiliation of women in open public? I’m quite sure that almost all women in our society listen to and thoroughly enjoy such songs but I can bet none of them would ever like to be called by such names. How many women do you know who would enjoy flaunting their characteristics to the open public by referring to themselves by these sleazy metaphors? You are right… none! Then, why don’t our feminist friends stand up against this particular form of gender discrimination? Why don’t we all stand up for ourselves and demand that lyrics be written more respectfully when it comes to describing women? I know that it will most certainly be less entertaining but I believe it is hypocritical to write songs that say, “Baby doll mein sonay di…” (I am a baby doll, made of gold...) [embed width="620"]http://vimeo.com/89408279[/embed] Whatever happened to being called a normal human being? And as the music gets louder, the lyrics get cheaper. It is a shame that a magical gift like music is now subjected to such degrading shenanigans only in a race to generate higher profits. This is saddening since it not only defines the mindset of the people in the film industry but also reveals the target audience’s true colours. If hundreds and millions receive such music with open admiration then sadly, there is little left to say. I’m not the moral police for lyrics and neither am I against catchy songs. I am just a woman who happens to be proud of being one and is most certainly not happy to be equated with slick, shiny ‘objects’ or bombs. And I think it’s high time that we women raise our voices to end this strengthening culture of ‘item songs’. If you still think I’m overreacting, imagine Bollywood releasing a song on the lines of Chikna Chamela (sexy man)! Nauseating, right?

Rebecca West, a famous author, once said,

“I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.”

We are completely hooked on the live coverage of Para-Athlete Oscar Pistorius trial as it is far more engaging than any successful reality series or a season finale of a TV show. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="599"] Oscar Pistorius crosses the line to win gold in the men's 400m — T44 final during the athletics competition at the London 2012 Paralympic Games. Photo: AFP[/caption] Oscar Pistorius shot his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp four times on Valentine’s Day 2013, allegedly mistaking her for an intruder. This led to a trial termed as the ‘trial of the century’ and is proceeding amidst massive media coverage. What makes this homicide special, apart from its enormous celebrity status, is the fact that it taps into the intriguing hinterland of human nature, not only in terms of crime and the criminal but also revealed the indelible audience’s demand for real life drama. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Oscar Pistorius at the beginning of his trial. Photo:AFP[/caption] The cathartic relief of retribution is making this trial, a huge television hit. The sight of lead prosecutor, Gerrie Nel cross-examining and mocking the writhing Pistorius lends some meaning to our disillusioned existence. Deep down, we are satisfied that justice is being served and having front row seats to the trial (courtesy: social media) makes it all the more engrossing. The fall from grace always attracts great interest, as we are extremely fond of debunking seemingly saintly souls and love to bask in the satisfaction of exposing their darker sides. Special persons have always been associated with vulnerability and an angelic taint bestowed on by nature. If the vulnerability is fused with the resilience and ambition to succeed, then it becomes almost godly. And hubris is the tragic flaw which leads to the fall of our ‘so called’ heroes. The vulnerable, sometimes tend to compensate for their weakness by the use of some intimidating and dominating force and in the case of Oscar Pistorius, it was firearms and aggression. How painful would it have been to, work so hard, achieve so much, yet remain constantly insecure of impending danger: the looming probability to be deprived of all the fame and the love flowing in with it. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="640"] Oscar Pistorius sobbing during the trial. Photo: AFP[/caption] All that rage, show of arms and bullying his girlfriends could be an instinct of self-preservation and a sign of chronic insecurity. Shooting a gun triggers similar euphoria to sex and drugs, both symbolise dominance, manliness and strength. How false and ridiculous do these ideals really become, if they have to be supported by such demeaning elements? Oscar Pistorius has an infamous record of ‘picking on’ his girlfriends, become easily jealous and insecure, and then resort to violence. Considering and treating women as property, is an age old notion but for a physically disabled man things did get complicated. How could he let her talk (or as he put ‘flirt’ in her text messages) to other men in his presence? Does it ring familiar undertones? Women have always suffered male jealousy, masquerading as chivalry, leading to volatile situations over minor issues. It has always been rebuffed as a normal testosterone reaction, but no effort has ever been made to unearth its horrible consequences. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="620"] Reeva Steenkamp was shot four times in the bathroom connected to the bedroom. Photo: AFP[/caption] Reeva Steenkamp was shot four times in the bathroom connected to the bedroom. Maybe she was hiding there to save her life or to simply avoid an argument. It often happens that when the heat of an argument becomes unbearable, the saner partner usually resorts to creating distance in order to break the intensity of the situation. But when Reeva did that, she posed a challenge not only to his manliness but also to his handicap; as the court witnessed how small and vulnerable he looked on his stumps without his prosthetic legs on, he nonetheless felt he had to cover up that loss of height and speed with something powerful. And nothing gives the delusion of power more than a gun fuelled with rage. Research has time and again proven that, having firearms at home multiplies the possibility of violence to almost 75%. The headlines in the daily news under homicides of domestic violence are a testament to that. Yet there is another aspect to it; somehow, somewhere, women are also culpable for being in an abusive relationship and not having the courage to sever ties at the right time. Being with Oscar Pistorius meant huge exposure and unlimited opportunities but was it all worthy of risking her own life? Abusive relationship often becomes addictive for the oppressed and it becomes almost impossible to break away from its shackle. It is not just limited to ordinary women, many celebrity couples have been an example of it. Rihanna was brutally assaulted by boyfriend Chris Brown but she reunited with him singing “unapologetic” and calling it “nobody’s business”. British food writer and chef Nigella Lawson was attacked by her husband Charles Saatchi in a restaurant and the pictures of the assault raised serious concerns over her safety. The one thing that will always remain in question is why, despite being strong, independent and insanely famous, these women still choose this illusion of love over self-respect and safety. What this does reveal however, is a message for all domestic violence situations and every woman out there: keep your personal safety and self-respect above every relationship.

Dear Edhi sahib, As you lay in the Sindh Institute of Urology and Transplantation for your routine dialysis, we hear worrying news that you have been admitted in the ICU. Edhi sahib, I am very worried about your deteriorating health, as I assume every Pakistani is. I have been checking the news every hour to find out about your well-being. I wish you a speedy and a complete recovery. You are 86-years-old, we pray you live to be 186. While, like every Pakistani, I am praying for you, a part of me is covertly but awfully scared.

What if… you…?

What if…?

What if you do not return from the hospital this time?

On the eve of  May 10 and 11, 2013 I saw a very different Lahore. Lahore was completely crowded with families and teenagers supporting their respective political parties, majorly PTI and PML-N. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] A poster in central Lahore asking citizens of Pakistan to vote. 'Say yes to vote' Photo: AFP[/caption] From Liberty roundabout to Hussain Chowk and from Hussain Chowk to either side of Firdous and Mini Market roundabout, roads were jam packed with cars and motorbikes. It seemed like nothing else was more important to anyone that day, they came out to celebrate and their democratic festivity showed! To represent the spirit of democracy, in the air, rival party supporters provided space for people to chant slogans in their respective party’s favour and to revel in their right to vote. Traffic was moving slowly but no one halted its movement, both party’s supporters were vigilant to make sure that no inconvenience was caused to the families and females participating in those rallies. PML-N and PTI’s supporters had their cars rally side by side, greeting each other, curious about the elections’ outcome, providing each other with beverages and trying to outdo each other’s vocal chords in chanting their party’s slogans but making sure not to overlap the other. And in between all good cheer, I thought to myself, this is the spirit of democracy; raising your voice as much as you want but providing a listening ear to the other point of view as well. I believed we had finally evolved, Pakistan had arrived in the high and mighty sphere of democracy. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Supporters of Pakistani politician and former cricketer Imran Khan flash victory signs as they take part in an election campaign rally in Lahore. Photo: AFP[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] PPP supporters at an election rally in Lahore. Photo:AFP[/caption] My impression was that, in a matter of few minutes, all of this would change, since nothing good can come out of two opposing parties conducting rallies together, that too, in Pakistan. But I was wrong because the rally remained peaceful and went on for a good four- five hours with more people joining in with the flags of their respective party in hand. Not a single soul tried to disrupt or cause harm to their opposing party’s supporters. The most heart-warming moment was watching kids, aged between five to 12 years, with their faces brightly painted in PTI and PML-N colours and flags, while they chanted the slogans, enjoying the night out, waving their party’s flags and campaigning for the grown-ups to vote for PML-N or PTI. And the girls wore their political party’s flag as bandanas, making a statement of their involvement in the political process. This was the kind of political activity previously missing from Pakistan’s political scene. In the last few years I’ve never seen Lahore this alive; it felt as if Lahore’s soul has been resurrected. On the eve of May 11, the Lahoris had to make a big decision. They had to decide what to have for breakfast before voting or after casting their vote. Lahore is known for its delicious food, and so plans were made, relatives and friends were invited (to join in on the day’s festivities), and I too, had a lunch planned out with friends after casting the vote. When Lahoris plan their breakfasts and lunches, that day is far from ordinary and on that day, people knew the importance of that day and their vote as well. They wanted to celebrate it, their exuberance was evident. This was the change that political activists, journalists, judiciary and civil society sacrificed and dedicated their lives to. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Nawaz Sharif celebrates victory in Pakistan election. Photo: AFP[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Pakistani voters pose with their national identity cards as they queue to cast their ballots at a polling station in Punjab. Photo: AFP[/caption] I woke up early, around seven in the morning. I couldn’t sleep because of the level of excitement I had witnessed the night before. On my way to the polling station, I saw that a lady had park her car about 400 metres away from the polling booth because the parking slots allotted were occupied by the cars that came before her and so she had to walk cast her vote. Many people would have taken it as a sign to walk away but she walked those 400 meters and casted her vote. I saw different polling stations where the long queue was populated by the aged, young, poor and rich. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Many flew in from abroad to make their vote count. Photo: AFP[/caption] It seemed that people had realised what their vote meant for their country and that to me, was the real change. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Voting spread far and wide to the outer districts of Punjab. Photo: AFP[/caption] On this day, May 11, 2014, I hope that spirit has still lingered on. It is imperative that people vouch for democracy and democrats adhere to their vows. People voted a year back to affirm their trust in the political process, it is now the responsibility of political leaders to do their part.