The Express Tribune

February 12, 2015, commemorates National Women’s Day in Pakistan, for our mothers, doctors, engineers, leaders, homemakers and women belonging to every strata, class and religion in society. But while we celebrate our women, it is very unfortunate that many of them have to face immense challenges in their daily routine; from public name-calling to humiliation and character assassination, our women go through all. Whenever they come out and participate effectively in political or public spheres, many elements express their venom against such women and regard them to be of bad character and lacking morals. An example of this is the recent dharnas by Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI). While we saw offensive pictures, profane language and loathsome commentary used for the women who were participating in dharnas, very few highlighted their political will to garner for change. To say that these women were only present so that they could get a glimpse of Imran Khan’s “ravishing” looks is a grotesque idea. This reflects a diseased mindset where women are considered to be lowly creatures with no integrity whatsoever. Similarly, Altaf Hussain, the party leader of Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM), recently crossed all lines of civility and ethics when he referred to the PTI women as prostitutes. If political participation is akin to prostitution, then he must know that he happens to be in the same profession, and while he points a finger at these brave women, his own four fingers point back at him. It’s good that he apologised but one must definitely exercise utmost restraint before exhorting to such shameless speeches. This is not something new or surprising; character assassination of a woman who believes in breaking societal barriers in the way of her progress as an equal citizen of the country is the first and most convenient tool for cowards, the shameless and the incompetent. We have seen multiple times – in our political history, on live television shows and even on social media – that women are often derogated for the way they look, speak or move, while paying no attention to what these women are saying, and many a times a woman’s status is devalued by associating juicy scandals about her past, irrespective of whether they are true or not. Why is a male politician or public figure not subjected to the same vile behaviour? This nation is proud of producing the first female prime minister of the Muslim world, but even she had to face derogatory terms in jalsas by political dwarfs who were nowhere near her calibre or political wisdom. It is very acceptable for us to have memes of women like Firdous Ashiq Awan and Shireen Mazari for the way they look but a man would rarely be treated like this. This is reflective of the moral depravity we, as a society, live in. Is this what our religion, social norms and values teach us? Respect for women is such a noble ideal in our religion that it cannot be derogated, no matter what. But sadly, mud-slinging becomes the first tool for many to deter a woman from doing or saying anything the misogynists and male chauvinists do not like. Such men need to understand that as you sow, so shall you reap; if today you feel comfortable in disgracing another woman, be prepared for another man doing the same to your female relatives tomorrow. There are such double standards with regards to the culturally-accepted conduct of both men and women in the public life. We all laugh together when Zulfiqar Mirza calls Rehman Malik a hajaam (barber), but will we ever allow a woman to express her views that fully and glorify her as well? Not that this is something worth glorifying but explains the point that how much of a disparity there is in terms of what a woman can or cannot express in public. Even as bloggers, journalists or lawyers, women cannot talk frankly on topics considered to be social taboos and have to carefully choose their words. It is expected of a woman to act with grace in public, but what about the man? Shouldn’t he be reprimanded for his uncouth and disdainful behaviour? And these instances are not just limited to particular professions. If we see a man smoking in public, no one gives him a second glance. But if a woman does the same, she is ostracised for it and considered amoral. Whenever someone has to post a picture of Asma Jahangir or Sherry Rahman on social media, to degrade them, they would conveniently choose the ones in which they are smoking and it sends a clear message to the general public: that no matter what these women have achieved in life, they are undisciplined – because they smoke. Even when it comes to divorce, women face the same taboo. The recent example of Imran and Reham Khan comes to mind, where while both of them were divorced and had kids, it was only Reham who was given slack for it. Just imagine how our society responds to a woman who takes a divorce to marry a man of her choice and to a man who takes a second wife even without permission of the first one. In the first scenario, the woman is the “culprit” and a characterless entity and in the second, the innocent man must have gotten trapped by the cunning woman. So both ways, it’s the woman’s fault. When will this hypocrisy end? When will we evolve and see others as people and not as men and women? Why is it okay for every random man to dictate how a woman should be or behave? Who gave them the right to do this? It is high time that we start respecting our women and let go of the double standards we have towards the two genders. We really cannot afford to ostracise half the population of the country for exercising their fundamental rights. Before becoming the moral police for others, let’s learn to correct our own imperfections first. Happy National Women’s Day!

“You know I’d never wear something like that. It’s so… so inviting.”

This was said with an air of such self-righteousness that I wanted to get up and say a prayer for this woman who thought she’s the epitome of piety and all things good. There have been numerous occasions when I have found myself fuming at such women (and men) who have taken it upon themselves to decide what women should and should not do. Often I am compelled to consider whether I am a feminist or not, which leads me to conclude that I possibly cannot be a feminist, for being one entails believing that women should be equal to men. As if men alone are a threat to us women, who are otherwise united as one entity. As if only men are the big bad enemies hovering over us, as we huddle together in one corner, trying to guard each other’s respect and honour. Men may have the requisite private organs to deprive us of our dignity, but women perhaps have a more public way of using the most lethal of all organs – the tongue – to strip another woman completely naked in front of all and sundry. Now hold on there before you hurl a string of abuses towards me. When I say that women shoulder a great deal of moral responsibility towards their own kind, I do not mean that men do not owe it to women to have the highest regard for them. This should be the case regardless of how they dress or behave around them, thus, the argument that “she was asking for it” must be nullified as soon as it is made. A respectable man does not need reasons to be respectful. Having said that, I will move on to the age-old debate of rape and consent. What value does the consent or non-consent of a woman hold in a barbarically patriarchal society like ours? In fact, what does it matter in the more modern parts of our society, where the women are educated and even financially independent? In some cases, consent is so unwillingly given or is the result of such manipulation that it becomes non-existent. For instance, take the inability of young girls unable to say ‘no’ to sleeping with their boyfriends just because that would be misconstrued as them not loving their conniving partner enough. Why can they not muster the courage to safeguard their values, however unacceptable they may seem to the men they love and who claim to love them? By succumbing to their demands, you are making them believe that their carnal needs are above your emotional needs and that it is okay to be physical with a woman against her will. And when he goes off to another woman, he might even take this liberty to another, even more dangerous level, merely because he thinks he can. What’s worse is the way mothers have “the brother is always right” approach at home. What may be abhorrently wrongly for the daughter is something worth celebrating in the son’s case. And these are not just limited to conservative mothers who are pressured by their husbands or other men in their lives to be a certain way, this also extends to the more seemingly liberal women who simply refuse to utilise their own capacity to think outside of socially enforced norms. Of course, the son should have the upper hand where it matters; the daughter must only know how to be subservient to her father, her brother and whoever they choose her husband to be. By doing this, she is being told by the most influential female figure in her life that her opinions, her views, and even her consent, are a male prerogative. If a mother cannot teach her daughter “no means no,” then who can? Respect may be earned under most circumstances, but when patriarchy becomes rampant and rapists begin to have the audacity to say out loud that if a woman is out at nine in the night, she deserves to be taken advantage of, respect must be demanded. And these demands should be made at the most fundamental level. When a male friend objectifies another woman’s body, even as a joke, he should immediately be b*tch-slapped for doing so. The feeling of superiority that is followed by another woman’s insult must be tamed, if not eradicated. It has to be understood that character assassination in the form of statements akin to “she is successful because she has her ways” turns into excuses for men to impose their will against ours. Each time a woman does not raise her voice against the injustice being done to another woman, and more importantly, against the injustice being done to herself, she too becomes responsible for the insensitivity shown towards every woman in societies like ours, which eventually leads to crimes approximating domestic violence and even rape. The deliberate failure to disarm this patriarchy means that men alone are not rapists. Women are too.

Today is The Express Tribune’s five year anniversary and while it is a jubilant moment for the whole publication, it is one that is also tinged with reflection. The publication started as the first Pakistani newspaper which, partnered with the International Herald Tribune initially and the International New York Times now, offered a mix of domestic and global news to the masses. It provided a different perspective by allowing blogs from ordinary individuals on its website, opening up a whole different field of “online” or “citizen” journalism. Additionally, Express Tribune has greatly utilised social media like Twitter and Facebook to spread the news and this has mushroomed its influence in Pakistan, with other English language newspapers now following suit. The publication is a true trendsetter. Although The Express Tribune has revolutionised the way news is dispatched, it has been a difficult road and one that has been hampered with sadness. Pakistan is one of the most dangerous countries in the world in which to practice journalism due to prolific attacks on media personnel and The Express Tribune is no stranger to courting controversy. On January 14, 2014, the media group’s van was ambushed resulting in the death of three of its workers – driver Khalid, technician Waqas and security guard Ashraf. Prior to this attack, The Express Tribune office in Karachi was targeted twice, in August 2013 and then again in December 2013. Gunfire and bombs were thrown at their offices in an attempt to sabotage operations. Although no fatalities were reported, a security guard was injured in the first attack and an aura of fear developed. However, despite working under such threats, the newspaper has thrived and will continue to stand tall in the face of repression, terrorism and censure. My first interaction with The Express Tribune Blogs came in October 2013 when I wrote about the difficulty of travelling if you are a Pakistani and how airlines behave with such blatant discrimination towards Pakistanis. This was received with praise by the staff at The Express Tribune and it ignited a fruitful relationship with the newspaper, which continues to this very day. I now have a resourceful avenue to air my thoughts on any particular point of interest. Some of my blogs are controversial, like the one I wrote on “Why do Pakistani men have a roving eye?” to more thought provoking pieces, like my blog on “10 situations which highlight why educating women is vital in Pakistan”. No matter how people opine, the point of such blogs is to ignite a debate and make us stretch the limits of our thinking beyond societal constraints. No other publication encourages such freedom to think like The Express Tribune and in a conservative society like Pakistan such revolutionary thinking is desperately needed to break the chains of unquestioned acceptance of the status quo. My impression of The Express Tribune will always be positive and I am very impressed with the professionalism the staff has shown in their dealings with me. I wish the newspaper and its hard working staff the very best and, here’s to another five years of great stories, suspense and a whole lot of drama! Congratulations to The Express Tribune! The whole team should be very proud of itself.

Dear Son, You are at a very tender age where everything seems new and exciting, but you will grow up in a very confusing and chaotic world. This letter aims to steer you through the tough times which will leave you perplexed and make you appreciate the times that will take your breath away. Firstly, I refuse to mollycoddle you and put you up on a high pedestal just because you are a boy. Our culture dictates that I should let you run riot and behave incomprehensibly just because,

“You are a boy and that’s what boys do.”

Well, not in my house. You will not be raised to think you are a prince and will live your life in utter arrogant disdain for women who you will see as beneath you or less worthy. You are to clean your room, do the dishes and learn how to cook food and will continue to do so because I don’t want you to place a heavy expectation on your wife to clean up after you. Secondly, I don’t want you to go through life pretending you have to be macho or act hard. It’s okay to cry at times and talk about your problems, instead of bottling them up. You will not be considered less of a man in my eyes regardless of what the world thinks. There is no shame in crying. Thirdly, treat women well. Never ever refer to them in derogatory terms or use explicit language towards them no matter how she may be dressed. A woman is not a sexual object. She is not a hoe. She is not a b***h. She is not a gold digger. She is not a means to self-gratification. She is a beautiful enigma who deserves your love and attention. Marry not for looks or education but for how she respects you as a person. There are many educated fools amongst us and it is important to find a person whose education matches her good grace. Fourthly, work hard and learn to stand on your own two feet. This world is extremely competitive and getting top grades is not enough. Do something beyond just learning from books, such as playing an instrument or learning a new language; something which will help you stand out from amongst the ordinary bookworms. Lastly, be kind to everyone. No matter whom it is. Be kind to the unkind, the poor, the rich, the ill, the healthy and the ones who hurt you the most. Kindness will never be wasted and will come back to help you in a multitude of ways. Have faith in your Creator to see the wisdom of this. I hope these words will help you in alleviating the confusion that is creating chaos in our constantly modern and evolving society. Have patience, believe in your Creator and always be humble. Lots of love, Your Mother

Warning: For those of you, who have yet to watch the new season of Game of Thrones, be prepared for spoilers. Or stop reading. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I’ve been following the controversy about the Game of Thrones rape scene, which troubled a lot of women when it was aired this past Sunday. In the scene, Sansa Stark is raped by the sadistic psychopath Ramsey Bolton, while Theon Greyjoy is invited to watch. You don’t see Sansa or Ramsey, but you hear everything, while the camera focuses on Theon as he weeps. This, women have said, is unacceptable. Rape should not be used as a plot point. It’s gratuitous. What’s the point? Where’s the trigger warning? An American Congresswoman, Claire McCaskill, said that she would no longer watch the show because this scene’s violence was too much for her to take. My first reaction was one of scorn. I live in Pakistan, where we see cases of gang rape, child rape, child marriage, forced marriage, and marital rape all the time. There’s horrific abuse, with acid thrown on women’s faces, women beaten and killed for “disobedience,” women punished for honour crimes. Nothing that happens on Game of Thrones could shock me as much as what I’ve seen in real life. The rape of Sansa was, as a friend put it on my Facebook page,

“A hard image for a soft world.”

Not only this, but in many parts of the world I live in, the underdeveloped, poverty-stricken, religious-strife-torn, countries of the Middle East, the subcontinent, and Africa, women who are raped must marry their rapist so that he can avoid jail time. During the 1980s in Pakistan, if a woman was raped, she was jailed for having committed “adultery”. There was a famous case of a blind woman who was raped and she went to jail because she couldn’t identify her attackers. We had Mukhtar Mai gang-raped as punishment for a so-called affair between her brother and a woman from a rival tribe. Women have been stripped and made to walk down village streets naked as a way of punishing their male relatives. Still, what about the idea that Game of Thrones promotes gratuitous sexual violence, or that rape scenes should be avoided in television or film? First of all, in general, I’m not opposed to rape represented in any kind of art, as long as it has artistic merit, doesn’t glorify the act, and presents a realistic view of the trauma it unleashes on the victim and family. A rape survivor observed that this scene was actually sensitively done with no focus on Sansa, no nudity, and the focus on Theon’s face, which effectively captures the pain and trauma that the friends and family of rape victims go through when this happens to a loved one. Others are dismissive of the show, and the scene in particular, calling it a “waste of time”. One in four women is raped in this world. If you aren’t a survivor or don’t know one, you’re very lucky that you can afford to have that attitude. Most of us cannot. And for a rape survivor or victim, a sensitive portrayal of rape and its aftermath can bring a lot of healing and relief. Take for example, “The Accused” which was based on a true story; it built solidarity and empathy for rape victims, it showed that what a woman wore or how she behaved didn’t mean she deserved to be raped, and even affected the men who watched the movie (and men also get raped, as the shower scene in American History X shows – another very hard-hitting scene which portrayed the reality of male on male sexual violence in prisons). But does Game of Thrones really have too much gratuitous sexual violence? There’s a lot of gratuitous sexual violence in GoT in general: Joffery killing a prostitute with a crossbow, for example; prostitutes getting beaten up when they arrest the Septon in the current season is an another example. In season one, they also rewrote the wedding night scene between Daenerys and Khal Drogo into a marital rape which was gratuitous, as in the book the scene was consensual and sensual (I’ve read all the arguments about canon vs non canon in GoT but I don’t know if I care much about that, I’m not such a purist). Speaking up about the soft-porn quality of these scenes and objecting to them on the grounds that they fetishize or glamourize rape is an argument I can certainly agree with. However, when the Dothraki sacked various cities and raped the women, that didn’t seem pornographic, just ugly and real. Yet women have always been raped when any city’s been sacked or invaded. And showing Daenerys stopping the rapes seemed a pretty feminist statement to me. As another friend wrote on my Facebook page,

“If people think the rape in GoT is chauvinist, isn’t that the point? Despite the fantasy elements, it is based on medieval European history. A history that is rife with powerful men taking advantage of women and using rape as a tool and instrument of control.”

For many of us around the world who watch Game of Thrones, that isn’t history. That’s real life, happening every day. In Syria, in Nigeria, in Afghanistan, in Iraq, it takes place in the context of war. For the rest of us, it’s woven into the fabric of our everyday lives. There are allusions to Sansa’s rape as far back as season three, when the Hound rescues her from being raped by common folk at Kings Landing. Also there’s the scene when Brienne is almost raped by her captors and Jaime talks them out of it. In these particular scenes, it’s not the male gaze or chauvinism that’s the issue; it’s the issue of morality in male characters who were previously seen as amoral or uncaring. Perhaps the real problem in Game of Thrones is that there’s rape that happens to nameless women that we don’t care about, and then there’s rape that happens to characters we do care about. And the difference between the two types of rape is uncomfortable for us, because it reflects how we feel about rape when it happens to people near us or like us (a white, rich lady like Sansa) or people unlike us and far away from us (unnamed prostitutes, village women, women from far away countries and lands that we already think are barbaric). As for “rape as plot device” well, why not? If murder is a plot device, or marriage, or any other event, rape can be too. I would say the portrayal of rape in Game of Thrones has been quite varied, with some of them more troublesome than others. I just find it odd that Sansa’s rape is the straw that broke the camel’s back, and some of it strikes me as very privileged complaining by people who don’t live in patriarchal, underdeveloped nations where rape is used not as a plot device but as a very real way of subjugating women. This post originally appeared here.

August 2015 fell on South Asia’s shoulders as an overbearing weight and a massive shock – as preparations for Independence Day on both sides of the Pakistan-India border were underway. Pakistan’s largest child abuse scandal surfaced, wherein some 400 children had been victims to the perverted fantasies of sexually depraved men. There has been much debate and dissent as to what the rationale behind rape is, and everyone pretty much knows what drives a rapist to rape. What is more important to note here is the nonchalance of the police force and the deformed laws that govern the heinous crime that rape is. From across the border, another piece of news reached us regarding a rape victim in India who was required to provide irrefutable evidence of her ‘purity’. This proof was not a DNA testing, (not) astonishingly enough; rather the requisite was the rape victim balancing a monstrous 40 kilogram rock on her head. Passing this sanctity test, the woman would be at leisure to continue her former life with her husband – failing it, I shudder to think what would follow. Supposed to be her ‘agnipariksha’ (ordeal), the test was mandatory so as to know if the woman’s tainted honour was at fault or not. Agnipariksha, from the Ramayana, was a test that even Sita had to go through as a post-abduction concept. If Goddesses could do it, shouldn’t women be able to do it too? Because at the end of the day, ‘pure’ women are born with unspoken superpowers that enable them to lift humongous loads on their heads. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Sita undergoing the ordeal by fire watched by Rama, Laksmaṇa and Hanuman. Photo: British Museum[/caption] This is no different from the laws that deal with rape in rural Pakistan, which demand a total of four male eyewitnesses (because four men would stand by watching a woman get raped, right?) and when not provided the aforesaid, women are accused of adultery. In short, rape victim or no rape victim, the woman has to be, somehow, at fault – for if this were not the preconceived notion, requirements such as an agnipariksha or four witnesses would not have existed. So how far exactly has religious fundamentalism in both countries gone? And is there any stopping it? And then there is the big question mark on the credibility of the forces that are supposed to be concerned with law enforcement. It is one thing for a religiously extremist court to announce absurdities, it is totally another for the police force to not stop such barbarity. It was also in August that the Mumbai police raided a hotel, arresting 40 couples for indecent ‘public’ behaviour, while at the same time, the Delhi police refused to lodge a complaint against a man who tried to molest a girl in broad daylight. In July, a 14-year-old girl in Gujrat was denied abortion after she became pregnant from being raped. There are countless other stories that could be put in black and white – stories that showcase the excellent crackdown of the pot-bellied police forces. While Bollywood blockbusters depict their policemen under personas of Singham, Chulbul Panday, Radhe, Rowdy Rathore, etc, reality seems far, far blurred in comparison. Reality is, in fact, so blurred and distant from the false glamour of Bollywood policemen that one cannot wonder where Bollywood gets ideas from – are there any Singhams and Chulbul Pandays in real life? One is also led to wonder if the police force is so incompetent and devoid of their sense of duty, why are they glorified to extreme and insane levels? In no way criticising, rather calling attention to a fundamental flaw, while India soars the skies of Silicon Valley (having produced CEOs for Microsoft and Google lately), it continues to fail its women. Not having moved on from December 2012, it is still stuck in a limbo with regards to rape and its due punishment. Why is it that consenting adults are arrested from a hotel for ‘public’ indecency while molestation in broad daylight is not considered a crime enough to lodge a complaint? And so as both countries gleefully celebrate their independence, I end this rant with just this, how free and independent are women and children on both sides of the border – and whose job is it to keep them safe? Where is the police force? Where are the Singhams, Rathores and Pandays?

The Pakistani media’s convincing rhetoric regarding the term sexual abuse and heart wrenching words such as ‘rape’ and ‘molestation’ have rightly highlighted the unjust practices that continue to affect our society. However, at times (or always) the hidden truth remains buried in the ground and the untold stories of millions are seldom brought to light. How many of you had the slightest idea that your helpless seven-year-old son, who wholeheartedly recited the Holy Quran alongside his so-called honest and unadulterated qaari sahib, was being sexually abused continuously in a barricaded room? We enjoy labelling ourselves as humble and modest beings when in truth we are the ones perpetuating brutality to its core. I came across many cases that involved such immoral and repulsive acts of violence, especially in Pakistan where everything seems black and white, having no middle ground whatsoever. A recent report summarised the sexual abuse rate of young boys doubling this year in comparison with girls of the same age (between six to 10 years). The ratio of boys to girls was 178 to 152, highlighting an increase in the sexual abuse rate against children this year. Mumtaz Gohar, a spokesperson for Sahil, an organisation that works exclusively on the issue of child sexual abuse and exploitation, stated,

“The reason for this is that more boys go out of (their) home(s) to play in the streets and are easily trapped.”

But sadly, there are no laws to safeguard the dignity of these young boys because, at most times, girls are the ones glorified as the only victims of sexual abuse. This year, a six-year-old boy was raped and killed by a man in Lahore at a mosque near Green Town. Similarly in Multan, a Pakistani teenager was kidnapped and assaulted multiple times. Shortly after, the young lad committed suicide when the police refused to file a report and indirectly taunted him. Even then, our media is busy reporting stories of women being abandoned by their husbands. Is that the only thing that really matters? Do our stories simply end there? Where are the unheard voices of those young, innocent boys who hadn’t even reached puberty and were molested by middle-aged men? Does their story belong in the trash can? Yes, they are young and susceptible but these core social concerns will not come to light if we persistently ignore them. I, for one, believe that Pakistan’s definition of violence simply revolves around women. Perhaps, we’ve accustomed ourselves with the notion that women are the sole victims of sexual abuse. However, the current child abuse rate in Pakistan is rapidly progressing and very few policies (or none at all) have been implemented to safeguard the dignity of thousands of children subject to sexual abuse. As an individual, I strongly believe that prior to employing a housekeeper or a home tutor, parents ought to consider alternative options. Instead of hiring a teacher, why not preach the Holy Quran to your child yourself? Does it really have to be a well-read Muslim tutor to inculcate the fundamentals of Islam to your child? What is unfortunate is that we are more likely to conform to these self-constructed norms when in truth it’s all about breaking the social barriers to get the truth out. Maybe Pakistan is not ready to discuss child abuse as a topic for a news program, especially when young boys are abused by the same gender. We are not at all prude when it comes to discussing women being raped, so why have objections over other important matters? I am not saying that men are solely responsible for such abhorrent practices, but I am accusing those ignorant, prude and hypocritical Pakistanis who completely neglect the fact that, by and large, a boy can also be abused by a man. It all boils down to one, hot-headed question – are we really capable of discussing such bold matters or is that against our Islamic fundamentals? As a Pakistani, I strongly encourage parents to be more vigilant and protective about their children’s future. It only takes a second to destroy a life, but with parents united on the matter of child abuse, millions of lives can be protected for a brighter future.

Every year during the US post-Thanksgiving Day Black Friday sales, videos of brawls in the midst of the shopping madness at “big box” stores like Walmart and Target go viral. This year in Pakistan, on the same day, a video was widely shared of women fighting during a one-year anniversary sale at the retail store Sapphire, which claims to provide “affordable designer clothes to the masses”. The Sapphire sale — like the door-buster Black Friday sales at Walmart— is designed to create a mad rush. Sapphire marked down limited, heavily-marketed and widely-desired products by 50 per cent. If you didn’t get to the item first, you wouldn’t get it at all. Some call it competitive shopping. Its retail as a contact sport, designed for pushing and shoving. At Walmart or Target, the madness usually involves some popular toy or video game that a desperate parent is trying to buy on sale as a Christmas present for their child. Families that wouldn’t normally be able to afford these products save up all year to make these big purchases. Studies have shown that the typical Black Friday shopper is non-white, or a single parent. They stand in line for hours for this one item, and when the doors open, there’s a mad rush and the shelves are empty within minutes. Desperation mixed with scarcity is a dangerous combination, and some desperate shoppers lose it. When I first saw the Sapphire spat video mentioned in my Twitter feed, I ignored it, like I usually ignore all Black Friday brawl videos. As a critic of consumerism, I see no value in shaming individual consumers. I try, rather, to understand the larger structures that underpin and perpetuate this relentless drive to acquire material goods. But as I saw more and more people sharing the video the story took on a life of its own. A story about a few consumers fighting over clothes morphed into one about shaming all “privileged, materialistic aunties”. This sounded a whole lot like the commentary you see in the US when “rich people share Black Friday brawl videos to shame the poor” and something about the privileged shaming the less privileged felt really wrong. But aren’t the women in the video “privileged”? Maybe some are, and maybe some aren’t. Privilege and power exist on a spectrum, especially in countries like Pakistan. The video and the fervour with which the video was shared made me stop to consider the conditions that could create this madness in Pakistan. This doesn’t mean I condone violence of any kind, especially violence over clothes. People, who know me, know that I apologise to the chairs I bump into. So justifying this violence would be a real stretch for me. But I do think that it is important to stop and consider the factors that could possibly trigger such rage. Does Pakistan’s social system— which systematically rewards women and girls who display the garb of privilege and chronically shuns those who don’t— carry some blame? Perhaps the women in the video were fighting for more than an outfit. Perhaps that sale offered some families a short-cut to a kind of privilege that they normally couldn’t afford for their daughters, like the marginalised parents in the US who brave the Black Friday sales frenzy because they live in a society where their child’s social standing is improved by the toys they own or the clothes they wear. Or perhaps some of these women are in fact “privileged women from wealthy families” forced to live on tight budgets. Two different circumstances, but both are systemic and almost impossible for individuals to escape. Even in Pakistan’s big cities, the latter condition is prevalent amongst the “privileged” and is an outcome of the massive imbalance of power and privilege between genders within the family unit. Some men have complete control of the family budget; the women in their families aren’t allowed to work outside the home. Some women are discouraged by their families from working, or they are simply discouraged by the many challenges that working women in Pakistan face, including unchecked sexual harassment, inadequate public transport, and a generally misogynistic culture. For many women, outings and socialising is limited to family or social gatherings, where they are expected to look their best, perhaps by sporting a Sapphire outfit. I look at the Sapphire video and think about those urban Pakistani women— even the ones that seem “privileged”— who have been stripped of their own agency, pushed and shoved into maddening spaces and circumstances— not by choice, but by design. This post originally appeared on Global Voices here.

Is everyone ready? Okay… all together now… let’s say the following words: Period… Menstruation... Tampons… Sanitary napkins… Sanitary towels… Menstrual pad… Maxi pad… Whew. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Every month, before reaching a certain age, a woman ovulates for a span of a day or so. Following this time, an unfertilised egg is let go in a menstrual period that lasts up to a week or more of bleeding. It can be a very uncomfortable time for most, but is more severe for some; the pain certain women suffer is crippling. Yet across the world, especially in certain cultures, women are discouraged from discussing the affects and requirements of this basic body function. In essence, around one half of the world’s population restraints itself for fear of making the other half feel uncomfortable. Well, as Eric Cartman from South Park would say to the world: “What’s the big deal ****?" As a son, brother, and husband, I realise that period shaming has to end. An example of this is when I sometimes purchase sanitary napkins for my significant other, especially from a smaller store. Immediately, the cashier tucks away the product inside a large brown paper bag, and sometimes inside a black plastic bag as well. Given the opportunity, he would probably place it in a locked safe if he could. Uhh… it’s just a female hygiene product. The sanitary napkin is a comfort so vital, that women seek to use the best they can afford. This is understandable. If I bled once a month in a painful process, I’d purchase an expensive cashmere sweater for a chance at relief. Considering this, it is difficult to understand why the Pakistani government has decided to tax the imported sanitary towel, like it is a luxury good. From what I am told, local products are inferior in quality, and don’t provide nearly the same class of ease. According to Dawn, the sanitary towel now falls in the same bracket as watches, imitation jewellery, curtains, tents, and more. Imagine that… a sanitary napkin is now considered to be as essential as a tent by the Pakistani government. Yes… a tent. But before you pick up your pitchforks, our nation’s government isn’t alone. States worldwide tax tampons and sanitary napkins as ‘non-essential’ and ‘luxury’ items. Let’s call it what it is…. a vagina tax. I bet you, if men went through a similar issue (my legs are cringing at the thought) our basic hygiene products would be cheap and readily available. How do I know this? Well, many of the same world governments taxing female sanitary products as luxury items are taxing men’s razors as essential items. In fact, men’s hygiene products are missing from the list available on Dawn. Instead of adding to the expense of these fundamental items, we need to make them more affordable. In a wonderful blog, Farahnaz Zahidi argues against the taboos,

“Research points out that almost 50 per cent of Pakistani girls in rural areas and underprivileged circumstances miss school during their menstrual period, and absenteeism in school can improve drastically if they have access to protective material and proper toilet facilities at school. Yet, sanitary cloth and napkins remain not a basic need but a luxury for Pakistan’s daughters who cannot afford them, or are simply unaware. The problem becomes even gorier when faced by displaced women living in slums, camps for Internally Displaced Persons (IDP) or in nomadic setups.”

Across the border in India, Arunachalam Muruganantham almost lost his family and financial security before he finally created a revolutionary machine that produces cheap sanitary pads. Muruganantham was inspired to do so after realising his wife was using “nasty cloths”, because she could either buy milk or the products she needed – not both. After more research, Muruganantham began to understand the scope of the problem,

“When Muruganantham looked into it further, he discovered that hardly any women in the surrounding villages used sanitary pads - fewer than one in 10. His findings were echoed by a 2011 survey by AC Nielsen, commissioned by the Indian government, which found that only 12 per cent of women across India use sanitary pads. Muruganantham says that in rural areas, the take-up is far less than that. He was shocked to learn that women don’t just use old rags, but other unhygienic substances such as sand, sawdust, leaves and even ash. Women who do use cloths are often too embarrassed to dry them in the sun, which means they don’t get disinfected. Approximately 70 per cent of all reproductive diseases in India are caused by poor menstrual hygiene – it can also affect maternal mortality.”

I cannot imagine the situation being any better in Pakistan. Let’s end the double standards. Let’s stop penalising women for their reproductive organs.

Women are moody. By evolutionary design, we are hard-wired to be sensitive to our environments, empathic to our children’s needs and intuitive of our partners’ intentions. This is basic to our survival and that of our offspring. Some research suggests that women are often better at articulating their feelings than men because as the female brain develops, more capacity is reserved for language, memory, hearing and observing emotions in others. These are observations rooted in biology, not intended to mesh with any kind of pro- or anti-feminist ideology. But they do have social implications. Women’s emotionality is a sign of health, not disease; it is a source of power. But we are under constant pressure to restrain our emotional lives. We have been taught to apologise for our tears, to suppress our anger and to fear being called hysterical. The pharmaceutical industry plays on that fear, targeting women in a barrage of advertising on daytime talk shows and in magazines. More Americans are on psychiatric medications than ever before, and in my experience they are staying on them far longer than was ever intended. Sales of antidepressants and antianxiety meds have been booming in the past two decades, and they’ve recently been outpaced by an antipsychotic, Abilify, that is the number one seller among all drugs in the United States, not just psychiatric ones. As a psychiatrist practicing for 20 years, I must tell you, this is insane. At least one in four women in America now takes a psychiatric medication, compared with one in seven men. Women are nearly twice more likely to receive a diagnosis of depression or anxiety disorder than men are. For many women, these drugs greatly improve their lives. But for others they aren’t necessary. The increase in prescriptions for psychiatric medications, often by doctors in other specialties, is creating a new normal, encouraging more women to seek chemical assistance. Whether a woman needs these drugs should be a medical decision, not a response to peer pressure and consumerism. The new, medicated normal is at odds with women’s dynamic biology; brain and body chemicals are meant to be in flux. To simplify things, think of serotonin as the ‘it’s all good’ brain chemical. Too high and you don’t care much about anything; too low and everything seems like a problem to be fixed. In the days leading up to menstruation, when emotional sensitivity is heightened, women may feel less insulated, more irritable or dissatisfied. I tell my patients that the thoughts and feelings that come up during this phase are genuine, and perhaps it’s best to re-evaluate what they put up with the rest of the month, when their hormone and neurotransmitter levels are more likely programmed to prompt them to be accommodating to others’ demands and needs. The most common antidepressants, which are also used to treat anxiety, are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) that enhance serotonin transmission. SSRIs keep things ‘all good’. But too good is no good. More serotonin might lengthen your short fuse and quell your fears, but it also helps to numb you, physically and emotionally. These medicines frequently leave women less interested in sex. SSRIs tend to blunt negative feelings more than they boost positive ones. On SSRIs, you probably won’t be skipping around with a grin; it’s just that you stay more rational and less emotional. Some people on SSRIs have also reported less of many other human traits: empathy, irritation, sadness, erotic dreaming, creativity, anger, expression of their feelings, mourning and worry. Obviously, there are situations where psychiatric medications are called for. The problem is too many genuinely ill people remain untreated, mostly because of socio-economic factors. People who don’t really need these drugs are trying to medicate a normal reaction to an unnatural set of stressors: lives without nearly enough sleep, sunshine, nutrients, movement and eye contact, which is crucial to us as social primates. If the serotonin levels of women are constantly, artificially high, they are at risk of losing their emotional sensitivity with its natural fluctuations, and modelling a more masculine, static hormonal balance. This emotional blunting encourages women to take on behaviours that are typically approved by men: appearing to be invulnerable, for instance, a stance that might help women move up in male-dominated businesses. Primate studies show that giving an SSRI can augment social dominance behaviours, elevating an animal’s status in the hierarchy. But at what cost? I had a patient who called me from her office in tears, saying she needed to increase her antidepressant dosage because she couldn’t be seen crying at work. After dissecting why she was upset — her boss had betrayed and humiliated her in front of her staff — we decided that what was needed was calm confrontation, not more medication. Medical chart reviews consistently show that doctors are more likely to give women psychiatric medications than men, especially women between the ages of 35 and 64. For some women in that age group the symptoms of perimenopause can sound a lot like depression, and tears are common. Crying isn’t just about sadness. When we are scared, or frustrated, when we see injustice, when we are deeply touched by the poignancy of humanity, we cry. And some women cry more easily than others. It doesn’t mean we’re weak or out of control. At higher doses, SSRIs make it difficult to cry. They can also promote apathy and indifference. Change comes from the discomfort and awareness that something is wrong; we know what’s right only when we feel it. If medicated means complacent, it helps no one. When we are overmedicated, our emotions become synthetic. For personal growth, for a satisfying marriage and for a more peaceful world, what we need is more empathy, compassion, receptivity, emotionality and vulnerability, not less. We need to stop labelling our sadness and anxiety as uncomfortable symptoms, and to appreciate them as a healthy, adaptive part of our biology. This post originally appeared here.

Through fear of the sword or through promise of eternal torment they spread their regressive ways. Over time we found another reason to abhor each other, to feel divided, to openly judge our own. The foreign culture we adopted didn’t play well with our own, for it insisted in its dark perfection while clashing with our own light. Whenever I travel from Pakistan I feel a melancholy that slowly hums in my heart overseas until it reaches full tempo when I return home. Other countries hold dear their customs and honour the old roots from which they rose with tolerance and diversity. Pakistan, on the other hand, has turned into a claustrophobic cultural mute. If culture is food for the soul then we are going mad with starvation. Tragically, we are unable to realise this in our fractured state of mind. For so long we have boiled our meat without salt, pepper, or spice, that we now believe this is the way it is meant to be. Imagine a Pakistan where you regularly socialise with Christian, Hindu, and Sikh Pakistanis, absorbing the aspects of their traditions that make them unique from you. Imagine a Pakistan where you are able to attend an event of a culture different from your own, but completely Pakistani nonetheless. Imagine a Pakistan where heritage sites are preserved with reverence rather than treated as offensive by the intolerant. Imagine a Pakistan where our language, clothing, and music remain unmolested by the Wahhabi sense of conformity. As a child when I visited Karachi I recall the streets and taxis were full of melody; the latest Pakistani pop songs would blare at every corner. Today, the only tones that feature on the same roads are the sounds of vehicles and angry pedestrians. Full niqabs have replaced beautiful Pakistani dresses, long beards have taken the place of fashionably diverse faces, naats (praise of the Prophet (pbuh)) have taken over from musical numbers. Tellingly, a musician who once enriched our lives has transformed into a hard-line preacher in perhaps the biggest indication of our metamorphosis. Recently, I came across a meme that compared the full niqab with local cultural dresses, and it reminded me of our unfortunate transformation. Inspired by this meme, I’d like to take you through a pictorial guide across the world. 1. This is a traditional Pakistani dress: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not this: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="533"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] 2. These are Bangladeshi dresses: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not these: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="398"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] 3. These are Afghani dresses: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="405"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not these: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] 5. This is an Indian dress: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not this: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="359"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] 6. These are Iranian dresses: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not these: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] 7. This is a Malaysian dress: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="399"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not this: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="597"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] 8. This is an Indonesian dress: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not this: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="338"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] 9. This is an Iraqi dress: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not this: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] 10. This is a Syrian dress: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="398"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not this: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] 11. This is a Moroccan dress: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not this: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="590"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] 12. This is a Tunisian dress: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] Not this: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: AP[/caption] On one end we have colourful examples of cultural diversity, and on the other we have a misogynistic garb that seeks to paint women of the entire planet in a single colour. What does the world need more?

Warning: The images in the post may not be suitable for audiences under the age of 18 years. Billing itself as a ‘brave young Polish weekly’, W Sieci wasn’t particularly brave in their choice of cover: a blonde woman wearing the European Union flag as a toga, being groped by meaty, hairy arms. W Sieci’s cover story was titled ‘Islam’s rape of Europe’. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Twitter[/caption] It wasn’t too youthful, either. The title references Roman myth — Jupiter’s rape of princess Europa. But the creepy image of swarthy hands defiling a fair white maiden is a 20th-century scare tactic. The United States brought the myth into World War I, depicting a Germanic ape carrying a ravished chestnut-haired woman. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Library of Congress[/caption] During World War II, Japanese propagandists preyed on American racial fears (no, African Americans were not the bosses of any US town during World War II): [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: PsyWar.org[/caption] But it was fascists that made the threat much more explicit. The Italians printed these posters showing American soldiers carrying off Italian women: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: digitalpostercollection.com[/caption] Occupied Poland was put under Bolshevik watch (the starvelings are a nice touch): [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Twitter[/caption] And Nazi propagandists dropped leaflets on US soldiers depicting a rape scene near a dead body: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: PsyWar.org[/caption] This sort of imagery peeks its ugly head out when people are at war. Or at least feel that they’re at war — the visual language of W Sieci tells its audience that there’s a sexualised threat to the nation’s women and the nation’s honour. But it’s an old tactic used to attack an amorphous, animalistic ‘other’. The gruesome depictions were once a dirty way to fight a war. Now they’re just a desperate ploy to sell magazines. This post originally appeared on Timeline.

Dear Pakistani mom, I am your beloved daughter, slightly spoiled but mostly a responsible, caring individual who would go to great lengths just to see a smile on your face. One who would run to the medicine store to grab some medicines should my ailing grandmother’s health so require. Please remember ‘you’ raised me so. You raised me to be a thoughtful, caring, independent and confident individual. You taught me not to follow the guidelines of learned female helplessness by waiting for the sympathy of my three brothers to get medicine in case I suffered a bout of respiratory infection. You raised me to believe women were equal to men in this world. The message of equality of genders was drummed into me by you. Both genders have the same importance; the same rights are your values that I believe in. Women are able leaders, you should be by example. After all, since the moment I opened my eyes I saw you, a woman, leading my house very effectively and efficiently. You created the perfect balance between father and yourself. Father was the authority, the crowned king of the dominion, and impactful on the larger decisions of life, but yours was the silent command over matters. You were the one without whose input, no decision could be undertaken. The decisions on everyday matters such as whether to shop for groceries from the humble Delhi colony or the huge supermarket Hyperstar, or whether to hire the honest ‘dhobi’ or the super-efficient one, came under your domain. These were the decisions which ensured the smooth running of the house, which all the family members take for granted. These were subtle messages of gender equality I received from ‘you’. While I was growing up you never let me feel or believe I was inferior to my brothers in any way. Why did this change now when I need this reassurance and confidence the most? Unfortunately it is you who robs me of my self-confidence by not allowing me drive down to the pharmacy after sunset. It kills me to return to remarks like this,

“This is not America, girls should not be so confident that they drive alone after sunset, and that too without a male patron. You should have taken someone along, either waited for me or for your elder brother to take you there, or at the very least taken the household helper.”

This household helper is several years younger than me, barely-out-of-teens helper boy who plays the role of my bodyguard. I find this offensive on many levels. Can he really protect me if I was a victim to a street crime like mobile snatching? Many of you will defend her saying that she is mainly concerned with my security. But I wonder if security is her only concern? Is she not trying to conform to the norms of the traditional patriarchal Pakistani society where a woman’s every move is observed, judged and permitted or disallowed by a man, be it the elder brother, the father, the husband or the household helper. The household helper of course, does not have the liberty to declare his opinions about the women of the house openly, but be not deceived, for he is sure to share them in the company of his equals. Maybe, her real worry is that the people, who see me driving that car alone to the pharmacy, may form an opinion of a liberal and spoilt daughter not acceptable as a future daughter-in-law for some respectable household, and that opinion, spread by the uneducated, idle, gossiping bystanders might soon become standard public opinion. If you, the average person believes that she is doing so purely out of security concerns, then to you Sir, I salute. I am impressed with the naivety of thought with which people can exist in today s modern era and I smile at the sweet rush of youthful innocence that you have reminded us all of. I am saddened at this change in your behaviour. I know you reflect the views of society that questions or rather objects to a woman’s confidence and independence. What imaginary line must I tiptoe around for fear of not getting suitable proposals? Does this imaginary line even exist in the minds of men or is it us women who impose traditional ideas of womanhood? I plead you to rethink these ideas, the times are changing and the unspoken laws and limits of society that may have been true in your youth may not hold as much salt (or weight) today. Please have faith in the evolving Pakistani society. In what direction, you ask. Ironically, only we, the weaker sex can determine. Take care Mom, Love you always, Your Pakistani daughter

It’s time we remove the decadent practices that discriminate against people belonging to marginalised sections of society, especially women, from entering religious places of worship. On January 26, while most Indians celebrated the participation of an all-women’s contingent during India’s Republic Day Parade, 400 strong women activists did what has never been done before: they forcefully tried to enter the Shani Shingnapur temple in Maharashtra to break an age old custom that prevents women from entering the sanctum sanctorum of the temple. The attempt was a symbolic act to assert women’s rights and fight patriarchy. Indian women have for long struggled to attain gender equality, and as education increases, more and more women can be seen employed in the corporate world and the government. Banning women from temples is against the very core of female empowerment, considering their rights have been denied in India since the Vedic times, even though Durga, Saraswati and Lakshmi – who symbolise power, education and wealth, respectively – are worshipped by all Hindus. Priests and religious Hindu scholars defend the custom of barring women from entering the sacred Shani temple by claiming that the ‘vibrations’ that emerge from Lord Shani have harmful effects on women. They reason that the,

“Issue of women not being allowed to worship Lord Shani from close proximity should not be seen as gender inequality.”

A temple dedicated to Saturn solely affects women? I have never heard a more ludicrous argument! Activists rejecting the above argument have approached the Bombay High Court and have sought the implementation of the Maharashtra Hindu Places of Public Worship (Entry Authorisation) Act, 1956, which reads,

“.. no Hindu of whatsoever section or class shall in any manner be prevented, obstructed or discouraged from entering such place of public worship or from worshiping or offering prayers there at, or performing any religious service therein…”

As per the Act, prohibiting any person from entering a temple is punishable by six months in jail. In a major blow to religious groups, the Bombay High Court has asked the Maharashtra government to ensure that, as per the law, women are not denied entry into any temple. However, instead of bringing in reforms to amend such customs, Indian religious leader Shankaracharya Swaroopanand made matters worse by claiming that allowing women into a temple devoted to Lord Shani (Saturn) would “increase incidents of rape”. Such insensitive remarks will only help the cause of all those who are against women’s empowerment and don’t want them to be treated as equals. A similar controversy revolves around the Lord Ayyappa Temple at Sabarimala in Kerala; it bars women of menstrual age (between 10 and 50). This is a violation of women’s constitutional rights, as can be seen under Article 14 of the Constitution, which guarantees equality to all. It is said that Lord Sabarimala was a brahmachari (bachelor) who took a vow of celibacy, which is why women are not allowed into the premises, especially those that have attained puberty. In Hinduism, it is also frowned upon to do pooja (worship) at religious events or temples if a woman is menstruating. To add salt to the wound, the chief of Sabarimala Board had created a huge uproar with his following statement,

“The day there will be a machine to detect if it's the ‘right time’ for women to enter temples, that day they will be allowed in Sabarimala”

India has long witnessed the discrimination against women as well as people belonging to lower castes by disallowing them from entering the temple. It is for this reason many people who belong to lower strata of society have embraced religions like Buddhism, Christianity and Islam, more as a protest against the discriminatory practices of Hinduism. Much like the Hindu women in Ahmednagar, Muslim women in Mumbai are demanding that they be allowed to pray in the sanctum of Haji Ali, a famous shrine in Mumbai. It is surprising that Islam gives women equality but does not grant them permission to enter graveyards and Dargahs. It is only a question of time before they get access to the shrine. Not only is it discriminatory, it is anachronistic to ban women entry into temples as all beings are equal in the eyes of God. Mahatma Gandhi fought on behalf of Dalits entering temples. Alas, people who are involved with religious teachings have not learnt any lesson from him. We need to correct this evil socio-religious malady and take steps for women and for people belonging to marginalised sections of society to have free ingress to temples and mosques. The Supreme Court, where a petition has been filed by the Indian Young Lawyers Association, has questioned the prohibition on allowing women to enter the Lord Ayyappa Temple at Sabarimala in Kerala, stating that this ban has no constitutional basis. It is hoped that the apex court will soon deliver a judgment to settle the rights of women to enter the sanctum sanctorum of temples once and for all. In the meantime, there is a crying need to revisit the anachronistic customs and rituals of all religions, and bring them in line with modern liberal values. The sooner we remove the dichotomy between liberal values, regressive traditions and customs, the sooner we will be able to succeed in preventing possible social upheaval in society.

I had taken a hiatus from work due to my household responsibilities, but now that my children had started school and all else was well, I decided that it was the perfect time to start working again. I had my first job interview in five years and as I sat there waiting for my turn, I couldn’t help but feel rather uneasy looking around at the other candidates. They seemed to be more qualified individuals with updated resumes and a fiercely competitive knack about them. Clouds of doubt began to mar my enthusiasm. Perhaps I should have improved my qualifications before restarting my career or simply avoided all this hassle and stayed safe at home. Demons of doubt brought made my confidence plummet and this affected my interview as well. I knew all the answers to the questions I was asked, but somehow it became impossible to articulate them. That was the fateful day I realised I was not the same person anymore. The stay-at-home version of me had greatly altered my personality and I had never realised it. I needed to ease back into the working environment instead of pointlessly trying to grasp an opportunity well beyond my reach. Upon discussing this problem with my friends and family, I discovered that I wasn’t alone in facing this dilemma; various women were in the same situation as I was. An extremely talented friend of mine, also my colleague at Virtual University, took some time off from work to cater to family responsibilities and now, when she was in a position to restart her career, she was unable to find a job that matched her schedule. Homemakers are the major untapped resource in Pakistan and little to no effort has been made to rehabilitate them back into the workforce. There are numerous outsourcing opportunities available for work at home options, but they are still rather complicated and difficult to manage. A few days ago, I came across an ad meant for qualified homemakers wanting to work from home for hours convenient to the employee rather than the employer. I considered this to be a huge positive step, since it was put up by a multinational company in Pakistan. This proved to be the perfect opportunity for professionally qualified and willing workers who cannot leave their homes and many of them, like me, who needed time to readjust. Some warmth and understanding from employers will only encourage women like me to give their careers another shot. What got me most excited about the ad was the idea that work would revolve around my schedule instead of the other way around. The said multinational mentioned a specific time frame in which the employee would be working as an internee after which they would become a part of the regular work force. Job availabilities for homemakers is witnessing an increasing trend in many countries across the world, but it hasn’t kick started in Pakistan as yet. If Pakistan were to accept this trend, it would not only allow homemakers the ability to feel useful in something other than housework, but would also benefit companies since it would be a means of providing cost friendly work to employers. Women find it difficult to leave their homes and families for long hours to work elsewhere, and for such women, this would not just be a job opportunity but a culturally sensitive move as well. Once they start or resume working, it would become easier for the family to accept this role of theirs. The work at home option could work wonders for female empowerment. Financial independence and a much needed sense of achievement are basic ingredients for strengthening women and could create exciting opportunities for men as well. Recently, I came across Richard Branson’s interview in Fortune magazine which mentions some interesting ideas about the work at home force and how it could revolutionise the workforce; he believes that the flexible work schedule could reap greater results in the coming future. Thinking back to when his own children were young, Branson claims, “He has taken many meetings while changing the nappy of his kids” and that “The kids have literally grown up crawling at my feet.” The idea is worth considering and would reinitiate a major untapped resource back into our mainstream job sector. [poll id="562"]

Since the project of a Ghostbusters reboot with an all-female cast was announced in 2015, fans were highly critical and vocal about it. In March 2016, the first trailer was released and it quickly became the ‘most disliked trailer’ in the history of YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3ugHP-yZXw While many fans of the original claim that the quality of the trailer is nowhere near the wit and charm of the first Ghostbusters (1984), an internet war still wages on whether the trailer is disliked due its quality or hidden misogyny behind the criticism. [poll id="597"] The film stars Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones. Ghostbusters (2016) is directed by Paul Feig. [poll id="598"] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Leslie Jones, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, and Kristen Wiig
Photo: IMDb[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Leslie Jones, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, and Kristen Wiig
Photo: IMDb[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Leslie Jones, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, and Kristen Wiig
Photo: IMDb[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Leslie Jones, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, and Kristen Wiig
Photo: IMDb[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Kristen Wiig[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Leslie Jones[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Melissa McCarthy
Photo: Hopper Stone - Columbia Pictures[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Kate McKinnon
Photo: IMDb[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: IMDb[/caption]

The acrimonious display of chauvinism by Hafiz Hamdullah in a talk show is rightfully being condemned in all quarters of the media. However, we need to go a little further in examining this overt manifestation of a rot that is deeply entrenched in our midst. To start off, Hafiz Hamdullah’s failed attempts at intimidating and shouting down Marvi Sermid are a continuation of his past behaviour during televised debates. It also seems the pious senator reserves the worst of his bullying for the fairer sex. And this is the crux of the issue - I believe the honourable Hafiz was apoplectic not because he was being challenged but because it was a woman who was standing up to him. He seemed incensed that Ms Sermid was not yielding to his commands. His extremely sexist expletive and threats to summarily disrobe Ms Sermid are a further confirmation of his shameless misogyny and the cause of his anger. It would be easy to dismiss Hamdullah’s behaviour as an isolated instance; unfortunately it is anything but. Khwaja Asif’s tasteless insult of Shireen Mazari and the Council of Islamic Ideology’s vacuous proclamations regarding treatment of women are recent examples of how women are viewed by too many in Pakistan. Something repellent has, for far too long, been stalking the nation in the guise of religiosity and patriotism. If we do not hold those nurturing and perpetuating regressive social mechanisms accountable they will continue to block all avenues to civil liberties for women and minorities. Ms Sermid set an example worth emulating. In refusing to submit to bullying and elaborating on the incident on social media she exposed Hafiz Hamdullah’s true nature. https://twitter.com/marvisirmed/status/741240707776696321?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw https://twitter.com/marvisirmed/status/741241473652391936?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw https://twitter.com/marvisirmed/status/741241677671747584?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw https://twitter.com/marvisirmed/status/741241871285035008?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw https://twitter.com/marvisirmed/status/741242069218414592?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw https://twitter.com/marvisirmed/status/741242220444037120?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw https://twitter.com/marvisirmed/status/741242443899764737?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw There is no place in a liberated self-respecting country for those men who do not consider women their equals. These self-appointed sentinels of faith and country must be exposed for the protectors of misogyny and ignorance that they are. Let us all follow the example of Ms Sermid and not give an inch to those who would dictate morals to others and not have the common decency to unequivocally condemn and oppose a crime as monstrous as honour killings. Ms Sermid has been shot at, harrassed and her character repeatedly attacked. Despite all this she has continued to raise a voice for women and minority rights. Not only is she more courageous than her opponents she is far more faithful to her values as well.

Two or three days ago, a young woman was accosted by an older woman for ‘not wearing appropriate attire’. You can see what the poor young woman was wearing here. Not that that’s important. But, anyway. This older woman harassed this young lady (who wanted her identity to be protected, so we’ll call her MJ) and continued to touch her despite her requests. She later threatened MJ, stating that she ‘knew her license plate’ and MJ threatened to lodge an FIR against her and eventually the woman’s husband, a seemingly more neutral fellow, managed to get his wife to apologise to MJ. MJ’s incident reeks of the dangerous precedents that sexism creates in our society. It starts with ‘hey, that red lipstick is too dark!’ and ranges from ‘don’t wear a skirt, someone will rape you’ to ‘I’ll kill you because you dishonoured me’. It speaks of a larger, more frightening, and more widespread phenomenon where the ghairat brigade holds the baton of morality and wants to charge on everyone, claiming that their own version of truth and honour must be followed by everyone – especially every woman. Think about the following sentences:

“Look at what she’s wearing, she’s such a s***!” “Are you sure you want to go out wearing that? You’re a girl. Have some shame. People are going to get the wrong idea about you.” “Don’t be ridiculous. A girl can’t expect to wear jeans and expect to be treated with respect.”

Sounds familiar? Too familiar? Because it is. Sentences like these, words phrased like that are indicative of how we think as a society, how Pakistan thinks. And please, the this-happens-in-other-places-too-look-India-is-the-rape-capital brigade can just hold it for a while because this isn’t a blog about something that happens in India right now. It’s a blog about what happens and has happened and continues to happen in Pakistan, and enough with the deflection of but-it-happens-there-too phenomenon. Yes, misogyny is a global problem. But the point is that when some of us try to state that it exists in Pakistan – this see-not-just-us brigade aims to deflect the conversation, hijack the discourse into not talking about it by wanting everyone to start talking about something else, some other country, some other incident. Sorry, but that’s just another form of denial. If there is a disaster happening right in your own home, what would you be more concerned about? The disaster in your neighbour’s home or the catastrophe right in your own living room? Too often society has placed the onus of ‘ghairat’ upon the woman. Too often women are asked to bear the cross of abstract concepts of respect and chastity. None of which seem to apply to men. You can see men scratching their nether regions in public, but a woman can’t breastfeed in public. You can see men wearing nothing but dhotis/shalwars sitting in their shops, comfortably batting flies – but God forbid if we see a woman wearing jeans/go without a dupatta. You can see men riding motorcycles, but it’s considered obscene for women. You can hear of men being lauded for having more than one girlfriend (cheetah!) but a woman is automatically a whore if she dares to play the field. Gone are the days of the neanderthal. This is the 21^st Century. Mankind has progressed into the future at breakneck speed. In this day and age, where women are just as capable as any man in majority of the fields and arguments of physical strength and ‘child bearing’ hold as much value as wanting to gather nuts in the winter, Pakistan is still killing its women in the name of honour. In 2014 we killed around 1000 women in the name of honour. In 2015, the statistics rose by 1100. And I use the word ‘statistics’ here because so many crimes of sexual abuse, domestic abuse, honour killings and acid attacks go unnoticed and unreported in Pakistan. Again, in the name of honour. The voices are silenced, the victims are blamed and the mansplainers, the Talibansplainers, the guardians of faith and all that is disguised as faith but is truly just misogyny and bigotry – spend all their days trying to convince men and women that women are somehow responsible for these problems. Or the media is painting it otherwise. Or, it’s ‘probably something’ else. Everything and everyone is to be blamed except the real problem: sexism. No, we don’t like that word. We don’t like the word feminist either. Feminists are responsible for ruining our family values. With their loud voices and their angry tirades, they are trying to stop men and women from killing in the name of honour. The horror. Madeleine Albright once said, there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women. Pakistan takes it one step further. We don’t have women who don’t help other women; we have women who want to see other women cower down with shame for exercising their right to choose. Not too long ago a woman burnt her daughter to death for the sake of honour. She unashamedly then stated that she had no regrets. A special place in hell is not enough for women like these – women who know and experience such tyranny but want to subject the same oppression (or worse) onto their daughters and friends and, in the following case, random women on the street.

“OMG she’s so fat” “She works full-time, I’m sure she has no time for her kids” “Did you know she has a boyfriend? She’s so characterless”

I am sure that like me, everyone has heard or even made such comments at one time or another. That is the hard, unfortunate reality. What is harder to accept is that these are mostly being directed at women BY other women! While it is inexcusable and downright wrong for either gender to be commenting like that, shouldn’t we, of all people, be more empathetic towards fellow women? Coming from a patriarchal society, most men are infused with a false sense of superiority from the moment they are born. So, one would naturally expect women in such a male dominated environment to back each other up, to encourage and support one another. Ironically, we act in the opposite way. I am by no means saying that men don’t demean women, they do and in such cases, women are quick to rightly label such men as misogynists or male chauvinists. Yet, we fail to acknowledge incidents where we exert the same negativity towards fellow women. Does the gender of the instigator of such bigotry, make the behaviour less offensive or even acceptable? I think not. Here are a few examples that I have witnessed which demonstrate this very demeaning behaviour. 1. Mothers undermine other mothers’ parenting choices Motherhood today has become nothing short of a competitive sport. We love to comment on how someone is raising her kid, when it is absolutely none of our business. Whether it is formula feeding or breast feeding, co-sleeping or putting their child in the crib, choosing to be a stay at home mum or work full-time. Countless times I’ve seen women patronising other women, by making them feel guilty about their parenting choices. When I decided to quit my job after having a baby, I received hurtful comments like,

“You’re going to regret this in a year” “How do you not go crazy just sitting at home?”

Similarly, I have a friend who chose to be a working mother instead and who, till date, faces criticism for her ‘wrong priorities’. 2. Working women undermine fellow female colleagues Unfortunate as it is, it has become fairly common for women in the work place to undermine each other, whether as seniors who downgrade the efforts of the younger lot or as women in a team competing for the spotlight. Take the example of a woman who has worked really hard to climb up the ladder in a male-dominated corporate set-up. You would ideally expect her to be a mentor for the younger crop of female workers. Yet we see that a vast section of these high achieving women view the younger lot as a threat – a threat to their own uniqueness. I have faced this first hand when I approached a senior colleague for assistance on a similar project she had undertaken the year before, only to be misguided and provided with incorrect and inconsistent data. Furthermore, women somehow feel obligated to specifically compete with other women on the team, and, in doing so, become quite petty. A friend of mine once shared that her female colleague used to ensure that she sent the email of the final presentation to the boss, hoping to get more credit for the work. 3. We undermine each other’s marital choices Somehow, no matter what we choose pertaining to our marriages, we always find women finding faults in each other’s decision. If a girl chooses love marriage, fellow women judge her character and if she has an arranged marriage, women hypothesise if she was forced against her will. Someone who decides to marry early and those who decide to marry late or stay single face a similar ordeal. When I got married at 23, all I heard were some ‘concerned’ aunties and acquaintances telling me how I was too young or immature to get married. Now again at 27, my unmarried friends have to hear comments such as “your standards are too high” or “don’t you think it’s time you settled down?” from the same ‘concerned’ women. 4. We undermine other women’s appearance and persona When men comment on a woman’s appearance and reduce her to an object, it appals us, but when women criticise each other’s appearance, we disregard it completely. From the colour of the skin, the size of the waist to the type of clothes someone chooses to wear, we consciously or unconsciously end up damaging a fellow women’s self-confidence. Such belittling behaviour is specifically evident at weddings. On numerous occasions I’ve heard random women pass derogatory comments about the bride.

“Her dress is definitely not a designer-make.” “Her wedding ring is way too big; it’s probably fake.” “That is definitely not her actual complexion; I hope the poor groom has seen her without makeup.”

So instead of being happy for the couple and hoping for a blissful union, all we seek to do is find fault in anything and everything. Please don’t think I am in any way suggesting that all women engage in such behaviour. And neither do I have anything against our gender in particular. Far from it, in fact, I feel that women have so much potential in bringing out the best in each other, if only we exercise more compassion and empathy towards one another. While you and I might have the highest regard for our close friends and family, we need to make a conscious effort to extend that positivity beyond our ‘inner circle’ of women. While undue criticism and demeaning attitudes are unacceptable regardless of gender; living in this male dominated society, the last thing we need is women belittling one other.

Menstruation? I know what most of you are going to say:

“Oh no! Run to the door! Run to the hills!”

In this ‘beautiful’ society of ours, menstruation is synonymous with shame. Women and men, alike, recoil at this ‘topic’ faster than you can say “pad”. See, anything below the waistline is taboo for us Pakistanis, but have we ever thought about the side effects of having such a mind-set? Most women feel on edge when it’s that time of the month, they feel isolated, impure, and fragile. This advert might be the only one of its kind. In our local and more ‘conservative’ adverts, you can clearly sense an aura of shame, an aura of indignity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLVDhS1KniY But, why? Why is this subject so taboo? The answer is very simple; haya – our favourite word. But what amazes me is why a young girl is made to face humiliation, demonisation and shame for the sake of haya? We Pakistani’s have forever placed our ‘haya’ and ‘izzat’ in the most unlikely of places. What even defines the parameters of haya? It’s a subjective term that encapsulates whatever is socially or culturally deemed so. ‘Conservative’ Pakistani’s use the word haya when they need to silence any and all opposition, call it the ‘haya’ card, and conservative Pakistani’s love it, as they have no other rational argument to offer. Because what argument do they have to offer other than ‘it’s personal’, or ‘it’s private information that shouldn’t be declared’ particularly in front of men. There is a difference between declaration and making a topic accessible for discussion. We have, for so long, burdened this particular process of the human body with self-imposed ideas of self-respect that it is now directly associated to it. Due to this those women feel ashamed when issues like menstruation come up. They are not confident in discussing their body, they are not confident in even thinking too much about it, as they have been brought up to believe such thoughts are ‘vulgar’. They remain in a limbo all their lives and pass on the same values to their own children. The notions of shame are now used to silence the topic altogether. It is used to oppress free thinking women. And it is used to disallow any woman from speaking freely and obtaining the right information to tackle any problems or questions she may have about her body and her cycle. Do we not declare when we have bouts of nausea, or if we’re running a fever? Do we not feel comfortable discussing body aches or bowel movements or any other happening that takes place within our body? Do we not sometimes feel we need to discuss our health, if we can’t find a solution to a body ailment that we’re facing? Then why do we treat this particular one as intolerable to even be mentioned openly? We Pakistani’s have forever placed our haya and izzat in the most unlikely of places. Men make this topic one that needs to be tip-toed around, because our feeble minds cannot bear to fathom a ‘big boy’ topic such as menstruation. Since time immemorial, I have witnessed how women feel ashamed at grocery stores, how they feel ashamed for purchasing something they need. I have witnessed the way reprobate individuals look at such women, how they judge them, how they deem them subhuman. I have seen blunt women be frowned upon, but for what? For them not considering that an insecure man-child might be listening? This advert is extremely powerful in the way a woman should feel and behave – and you know how she should behave? She should behave the way she wants to; she can scale mountains, she can box, drink from the skull of her enemies; she can do whatever she desires. She need not be bound by the dogmatic and draconian mind-set of our society, she should not be afraid to buy sanitary pads, she should not be afraid of what fragile minded men would say. She should be free. This advert is triumphant in its aura of boldness – in its aura of pride. This advert works around the embarrassment, the sharmindagi a woman must face; it demolishes the dehumanising characteristics women are labelled with. It demolishes brown bagging, and hopefully it will stop hundreds of girls from contracting diseases because they were not taught properly. As a man, and especially a man in the land of the ‘pure’ I’m deeply offended by this advert. I am offended because of my fragile masculinity. I’m offended because I can’t bear to see a woman talking about menstruation. My mind is plagued by the ‘nerve,’ the ‘audacity’ of that woman. I am deeply offended by the fact that children were present during the talk, God forbid they should learn something useful to teach to themselves and their own children one day. I am offended by the fact that a woman can discuss such a ‘vulgar’ and ‘natural’ topic openly. I’m disgusted by the fact that it’s as natural as consuming food. This oppressive mind-set, this need to sexualise everything needs to stop; but do be careful ladies, or have you not heard the phrase? Hell hath no fury like a man scorned.

Pakistan Women’s Day: It’s about time we start respecting Shireen Mazari and Asma Jahangir

Are women responsible for rape?

My experience as a blogger for The Express Tribune’s blogs page

Dear Son, I will not put you on a high pedestal just because you are a boy

Understanding rape through the Game of Thrones

Fundamentalism: When a woman has to prove her ‘purity’ by balancing a rock on her head

Are we purposely ignoring child sexual abuse in Pakistan (and our homes)?

Women, power, privilege and Black Friday videos in Pakistan

Sanitary napkins are not luxury items… period

Medicating women’s feelings

Our national dress is the shalwar kameez, not the niqab

Is the Nazi scare tactic being used against refugees in Europe?

Dear Pakistani mom, why must I fear not getting a proposal?

Religion and feminism: Why women in India are fighting for a place in temples

Isn’t it about time the Pakistani government considered giving qualified stay-at-home parents jobs?

Is there hidden misogyny behind our criticism towards Ghostbusters(2016)?

There is no place in Pakistan for men who do not consider women their equals

A special place in hell is not enough for women like these

“Her wedding ring is way too big; it’s probably fake” – Women, their own worst enemy

Finally, an ad that does not care about what a man-child might think about menstruation